I never thought I would need to accept this reality. Nor did I think I’d come to a place to admit to myself and others that this happened. I never thought of embracing the fact that what happened to me at ten years old had a colossal impact on how I perceived the world around me, my relationships, and how I interacted with others. I never thought I’d utter these most pungent words — “I’m a sexual abuse survivor”.
I never felt shame as an abuse victim, mainly because I didn’t think I was abused. I just saw those few instances as mere opportunities for an older guy to provide me what I was already hungry for. I was just as responsible for what happened as he was, I thought. It was merely an experience in the past with no consequences to my soul or well-being. Having gone through a recovery program I should have known better.
After almost six years of walking away from a homosexual identity, the reality of those experiences hit me. I’ve been working with a counselor for the last six months, and in the early stages of our meetings, the topic of what happened with the older guy came up. As I tried to minimize the actions that took place, my counselor reacted in a way that shocked me. He acted as if the sexual encounters with this older guy were consequential and influential in how I interact and relate to the world around me.
The weeks after that I began to come to the point of accepting the fact that I had been sexually abused. It wasn’t something that I had control over. Though the experiences felt good and provided for a need that I had, enjoying it did not make me responsible for what happened. I was a young, naive, ten year old starving for male affection. Understanding this allowed me to see the encounters for what they were.
I began to accept the idea that I had been sexually abused, but I still struggled with the idea of it really having an impact on my life. Of course I had issues, but I didn’t believe they stemmed from the few encounters I had with the older guy. But, as I began to read and learn more about sexual abuse, I was able to see how it made a profound impression on me. Sexual abuse survivors are usually skeptical of everyone – Bingo! Sexual abuse survivors have a hard time trusting people – Right here! These two characteristics describe me exactly. I’ve had trust issues with people for as long as I can remember, and I’m always skeptical of people – the ones I know and the ones I don’t know. I really believe this has hindered me from building relationships with more people.
Can there be anything else God? That’s what I’d ask. Why would such a loving God put one of His children into a situation where he’d grow up feeling gay, skeptical of others, and have the inability to trust people? Bitterness that I once had began to well up inside of me again. I was discouraged and fed up with all the stuff I had to work through from my childhood. The homosexuality thing was enough in and of itself – now this?
I didn’t want to go to God. I was tired of being hurt. So I was going to handle everything on my own. This led me into a deep depression, full of hopelessness, frustration, and rage. Why did God fail me? I couldn’t trust Him, I didn’t want to.
Have you ever found yourself in that position? It’s as if you are tired of being powerless and no longer want to be dependent on anyone, because that leaves you violated. I was powerless with the older guy and was violated. I was dependent on God, and felt violated by Him. This put me in a place of turning inward, trusting myself. This was the easier and “safer” thing to do. But instead of growing and healing, I spiraled downwards into my own despair. The very source of my life had become the disdain of my soul. But in running from the Source, I was running from my own healing.
So many times I hear people saying that the Lord didn’t cause this traumatic experience in your life, He merely allowed it to happen to use for the good of His Kingdom in the future; or He was there in the midst of the pain – He was there weeping tears of pain in those situations. I can’t really say that right now regarding my sexual abuse. I’m not at a place to really see that yet. Honestly the wounds are still very raw, and I do hurt, still questioning why God allowed this to happen. But I’ve learned through the couple of months of pure pain and desperation, that I can’t walk this out alone, and if you’ve been abused you can’t either.
How can you trust when you’ve been violated? It’s a process I’m still walking through. Whether you’ve been abused sexually or not, we are all marred with some kind of violation to our bodies and souls. It’s easy to project our own concept of God on to Him, when in reality He is a being far bigger and mysterious to even grasp, much less label with our own notions of who God is. He’s not a violator like my abuser. He’s not a broken human being like so many that have caused emotional scarring in me, and I in them. He’s a creator of life; He’s love; He’s father; He’s your protector.
Psalm 18:1-2 says this:
“I love you, Lord; you are my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the strength of my salvation, and my stronghold.” (emphasis added).
I can’t tell you that I’m at peace with the fact that I was abused. I can’t tell you that He allowed this to happen to bring glory and honor to Himself. But I can tell you that I can’t heal from this violation without Him. Though I found myself in a place of unbelief in God’s goodness and faithfulness, I can tell you now that He is faithful and a stronghold for our protection. I know it grieves His heart when any form of brokenness is acted out on His precious children. And I know that He is a restorer. I couldn’t restore myself to wholeness…even if I tried. I need a redeemer to redeem the darkness of my past. We all do.
Trusting is hard when you’ve been violated. But I know the one who was violated himself on our behalf (Isaiah 53:5) is the person to trust in this dark time you may be facing. Believe in who God says He is and allow yourself to fall vulnerable before the one who will never violate or forsake you. Barricade yourself in the one who is your shield, strength, and stronghold. Trusting when you’ve been violated in the one who redeems will truly bring about restoration and healing in your life.
About Chris Stump
Chris,
Your touching story about your own revelation will help people who have yet come to terms with the fact that childhood sexual abuse, even if it seems inconsequential at the time to some, takes a life as it was intended to be and re-shapes it. We can bury that reality or deny it, but we cannot avoid the impact it has on our lives. Most of us wait too long to find peace in this area, but it is possible. It takes a lot of forgiveness. We have to try to forgive the person who violated us and we have to forgive ourselves for not freeing ourselves from it earlier and allowing it to have too much power over who we become. I had to come to grips with the fact that the man who abused me did not grow up with the goal of becoming a pedophile. Something happened to him in this fallen world to turn his life away from the path originally set out for him. I appreciate your sharing your story to help others embrace healing.
Thom Hunter
Thanks so much Thom. I spent so many years minimizing what happened, and that left a lot of brokenness in my life that I didn't allow God to heal. But He's definitely doing the work now of restoration. Forgiveness is definitely important. It not only frees us from the bondage of bitterness, but allows grace to the person who did violate me – recognizing that he is broken too. It doesn't validate his actions, but frees him from my anger and releases me to experience more healing. Thanks so much for your thoughts!
Chris,
Your touching story about your own revelation will help people who have yet come to terms with the fact that childhood sexual abuse, even if it seems inconsequential at the time to some, takes a life as it was intended to be and re-shapes it. We can bury that reality or deny it, but we cannot avoid the impact it has on our lives. Most of us wait too long to find peace in this area, but it is possible. It takes a lot of forgiveness. We have to try to forgive the person who violated us and we have to forgive ourselves for not freeing ourselves from it earlier and allowing it to have too much power over who we become. I had to come to grips with the fact that the man who abused me did not grow up with the goal of becoming a pedophile. Something happened to him in this fallen world to turn his life away from the path originally set out for him. I appreciate your sharing your story to help others embrace healing.
Thom Hunter
Thanks so much Thom. I spent so many years minimizing what happened, and that left a lot of brokenness in my life that I didn't allow God to heal. But He's definitely doing the work now of restoration. Forgiveness is definitely important. It not only frees us from the bondage of bitterness, but allows grace to the person who did violate me – recognizing that he is broken too. It doesn't validate his actions, but frees him from my anger and releases me to experience more healing. Thanks so much for your thoughts!
“I’m a sexual abuse survivor” and "I was discouraged and fed up with all the stuff I had to work through from my childhood. The homosexuality thing was enough in and of itself – now this?" hit me. I don't think I have ever said, "I'm a sexual abuse survivor." I know that I was sexually abused; but to say the sentence, for me, is even harder. It is forcing me to realize, like you wrote in your blog, there is more of me that needs healing. Reading your blog, has help put some much needed perspective on what is tormenting my soul and spirit—trust issues with God. Like you stated, I too don't relish the thought of more work to do. Thank you for sharing.
Clyde, thank YOU for sharing. It was really hard for me to go back to my childhood, thinking that all the kinks had been worked out, to face another area of brokenness. But, in a way, it's been so great to truly understand the things that I deal with now are in some way linked to the abuse. It's no fun dealing with this stuff, but God is truly working these things out – making me more like His son in the process. It hurts, but He heals. I'm glad this blog has helped reveal some things for you. Thanks for your transparency.
“I’m a sexual abuse survivor” and "I was discouraged and fed up with all the stuff I had to work through from my childhood. The homosexuality thing was enough in and of itself – now this?" hit me. I don't think I have ever said, "I'm a sexual abuse survivor." I know that I was sexually abused; but to say the sentence, for me, is even harder. It is forcing me to realize, like you wrote in your blog, there is more of me that needs healing. Reading your blog, has help put some much needed perspective on what is tormenting my soul and spirit—trust issues with God. Like you stated, I too don't relish the thought of more work to do. Thank you for sharing.
Clyde, thank YOU for sharing. It was really hard for me to go back to my childhood, thinking that all the kinks had been worked out, to face another area of brokenness. But, in a way, it's been so great to truly understand the things that I deal with now are in some way linked to the abuse. It's no fun dealing with this stuff, but God is truly working these things out – making me more like His son in the process. It hurts, but He heals. I'm glad this blog has helped reveal some things for you. Thanks for your transparency.
Chris, thank you for taking the time to write this. The power of Christ comes through beautifully, and your willingness to remain responsive to God's ongoing work in you gives strong hope.
Thank you so much for the encouragement, Peter.
Chris, thank you for taking the time to write this. The power of Christ comes through beautifully, and your willingness to remain responsive to God's ongoing work in you gives strong hope.
Thank you so much for the encouragement, Peter.
Chris,
I was abused from 6 years old to 15 by an older male relative who has since died. At 18 I fully entered into the gay lifestyle. Currently I am 30. I am currently on a quest for Jesus, but at the moment I am really struggling to believe that God is protective, when He never protected me from what happened to me over 9 years (several times a month). I mean how can I trust a God who is says he is love, when in practice what I see is very unloving.
…Can there be anything else God? That’s what I’d ask. Why would such a loving God put one of His children into a situation where he’d grow up feeling gay, skeptical of others, and have the inability to trust people? Bitterness that I once had began to well up inside of me again. I was discouraged and fed up with all the stuff I had to work through from my childhood. The homosexuality thing was enough in and of itself – now this?
I didn’t want to go to God. I was tired of being hurt. So I was going to handle everything on my own. This led me into a deep depression, full of hopelessness, frustration, and rage. Why did God fail me? I couldn’t trust Him, I didn’t want to…
Thats exactly how i feel! I've been abused by almost everyone in my life and if God really exsists then he allowed that to happen. You name any kind of abuse and i've had it. to be honest I'm sick of the church criticising me for being gay. It's about time they opened their arms to struggling homosexuals, allowed us to hold leadership places, and stopped treating us as if we are lepers. Saying that, Exodus isn't helping much when they promote the ex-gay agenda.
Yours,
Clay, I know where you're at, because I was there only a few months ago. Like I mentioned in the article, God is greater and bigger than anyone here on Earth. His ways are not our ways. I can't speak for God's ways, because they are mysterious. In some ways I wrestle with this very thing still. But, I trust what Scripture says about the nature of God. Bad things do happen, and I don't know why God allows them to happen. I do know, however, that we live in a fallen world where brokenness is reproduced time and time again. It wasn't the lack of God's love that allowed the abuse to happen to you. It wasn't the lack of His faithfulness that caused the violation. It was the rebellion against God in the beginning of time that brought about the brokenness that enacted violation on your being. By seeing His very own creation (you) be violated and all his plans for his creation be tainted because of sin, truly did (and I believe this) break His heart. Why didn't He intervene at any time in those 9 years? I don't know. But I do know that He is the same God today as He was 2000 years ago, who took on human form to save us on a cross.
Be honest and real with Him. Let Him know where you are at, and how you feel. Ask Him to prove His love and protection for you. The best times of healing for me has been when I was extremely raw and honest with God, in anger and sadness. He wants your authenticity. I hope this is helpful. I'm in this with you brother!
Hi Sharon, it's great that you've come on this blog. There are many articles and testimonies on the Exodus website, http://www.exodusinternational.org that would be very helpful for you. We also have member ministries, churches, and professional counselors around the country and world. Please feel free go on the website to find those ministries or call our office for more info.
Sharon,
One bit of advice for you when your dealing with your son. Love him and make sure he knows it! He has obviously been a secret homosexual for a long time. That means that he has probably developed a strong addiction to things like pornography. He also must have had a sense of his marriage not fufilling the 'needs' he wanted. In homosexual relationships, anything goes. In a heterosexual relationship, there is usually strict boundarys.
Your son has obviously wanted to go outside those boundarys and feeling trapped has decided to pull the house down. I'm not a physchologist and i still classify myself as gay but here is some advice.
1) Don't tell your son about things like exodus until your sure hes ready. It will only make him pull away from you if you try to fix him before he knows hes broken.
2) Spoil him. If possible get him out to dinner, do things you know he likes. But NEVER let him misunderstand. Your not doing these things because you accept his new behaviours. Your doing these things to show you care.
3) Set limits and NEVER compromise on them. Don't allow him to do things in your house that you find unacceptable. But always make sure he knows that you find HIM acceptable. Just like Jesus loves the sinner not the sin.
4) Talk to him. Tell him you want to understand why hes taken the course he has. But don't do it over the phone if possible meet him somewhere and do it face to face. That way you will see him express his emotions and he will see yours. And if he avoids the request, then repeat it until you finally get answers.
5) Never push him back to his wife unless he thinks hes ready. It's better to get healed when separated than to rub salt on their wounds when together.
Hopefully these pointers will help you.
lee
Hey I hope our phone call helped. I'll be praying for you.
The same thing happened to me. I never belived that my brother abused me because it felt good. when that reality came to me I didnt know how to handle it. Keep going to the counclers and pray for God Healing it will come in God timeing. I am healed it it feel much BETTER NOW!
Wayne,
I have been trying to contact you (I think it is you) upon the recommendation of my counselor. Is there any way we can facilitate this?
Chris, I totally understand not knowing how a loving God can let some things happen in life, especially things like abuse. I wasn't abused, but I've been through some crazy stuff, seen horrendous things. Every now and then, I wonder how God can love me and let my life be like that. Wouldn't a loving God keep my life protected? And all that nonsense about people learning things from difficult experiences in the case of abuse or crazy things like mine IS nonsense. However, how you chose to relate to God, despite everything, that is what changes you, and can lead you to things you'd never imagine, for yourself, for other people and for God. I have no answers. I decide to not dwell on why God let stuff happen in my life, and ask Him when I see Him. (And I don't think I'll be very polite!) That is my personal choice, and I don't expect you to follow my way. Maybe I'll change my opinion in the future. What I do know is, God DOES love me. He gives me a new morning, He gives me wonderful places on Earth to see, He gives me good people in my life. He DOES love me. The question about the stuff that has an every day impact on my life and has given me a whack mental condition, I can leave that until I see Him. But like I said, that is MY choice to help get ME through my life day to day. You think and pray and ask what is going to be YOUR way of coping and getting through life. But do know this, God DOES LOVE YOU.
Just to add, I was praying in a Catholic church (in the town I lived in, it was the only church open during the day during the week). And it was the right time and place. Cos I was saying to God how terrible things were, and I'd just moved to a town where I was the only one of my experience, whereas I'd just been living in a town where several hundred people had had similar experiences. The people in my church affected (about 100) had our own service on a Saturday. So I was praying, and saying how alone I felt in my issues. I looked over my shoulder, and there was a statue of Jesus hanging from the Cross. The Scriptures came to mind about how Jesus was beaten, He was stripped, and the truth was He was probably naked on the Cross, where He was tortured and murdered. I don't understand what you have been through, but God does. The Bible says He came in human form to experience everything we do. It's not in Scripture, but beyond the nakedness during torture and murder, maybe Jesus went through sexual violation? Being stripped naked is certainly a form of sexual violation in itself. Besides Jesus, the Bible has several major incidents of rape and abuse. King Absolom lost his throne and the kingdom went to dust because he did not act to bring justice to his daughter Tamar who had been raped by her half-brother. God is very big on justice, and He will bring it. We're not to rejoice in God punishing people, but He was there and witnessed everything that was done to you, and He's angry and grieving about it. He will bring about justice, whether here or in the next life.
Wayne,
I have been trying to contact you (I think it is you) upon the recommendation of my counselor. Is there any way we can facilitate this?