Originally posted on Exodus Youth (emphasis by Frank.)
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Why Would Anyone Want to Change? by Frank Carrasco
With so much misinformation in the media today about homosexuality, it’s no wonder that those seeking to leave homosexuality are faced with so much misunderstanding. A popular theory in pop culture today seems to be that a person with same gender attractions would naturally accept and live happily with their sexuality was it not for bigoted, narrow-minded homophobes who constantly make life impossible for gay men and women. That if only society would cease being so intolerant, everyone would be at peace with whatever sexuality they developed and just live without giving it any thought…like someone being left handed or preferring green over blue.
But as we know, sexuality is complicated and trying to reduce it to a neat sound bite only leaves us with more questions than answers. In actuality, the truth lies more to the middle, which should come as no surprise. It’s true that homophobia is alive and well today; groups like the Westborough Baptist church aren’t making the load easier for anybody. I imagine that there are scores of men and women living scared and lonely lives for fear of being rejected by their friends and family. But the opposite is also true, there are scores of men and women who once accepted homosexuality and have since left that behind…for reasons having nothing to do with fear of rejection.
In fact quite the opposite. Many of the people I’ve met over the years used to be openly gay, some were gay activists, and others lived with their partners for years. If they were seeking acceptance surely becoming “ex-gay” (as some have labeled us) was not the way. Those of us who have walked out of homosexuality face a double rejection as many even in the church as well as in the secular and pro-gay world question the validity of our change. So why change?
For one, many find homosexuality incompatible with their faith. Most religious texts make clear that homosexuality is a sin. It is true that many who pursue change are primarily motivated by their faith wishing to bring their whole lives (finances, sexuality, and morality) in line with their faith. This is a perfectly valid reason to leave homosexuality. People’s faith is an integral part of their identity defining for some even what they eat (but no one criticizes the Jewish community for keeping kosher.)
For others, their feelings did not line up with what professionals in the mental health community call a self schema. Everyone has a self schema; it is an outlook through which we see ourselves and the world. It is closely tied to our self image and self esteem. I for one struggled very much as the world kept telling me that I was gay when all along I didn’t believe I was. This wasn’t denial, this was conflict. My sexuality did not match with who I believed I was as a person or who I wanted to be. Like a piece of the puzzle that did not fit, my sexuality did not fit into the view I had for my life. I had to make a decision.
Was I going to live according to my values and who I believed myself to be? Or was I going to live only according to certain sexual feelings?
I have met other still who embraced their homosexuality and lived within that identity for decades. Their stories differ on certain aspects, some had long term relationships, some were promiscuous and unsafe yet all found their lifestyle left them empty. They simply didn’t know they had a choice – but once they found out freedom was possible they took the way out.
You would be surprised however that there are others… some famous who leave homosexuality for no other reason than their tastes have changed. In America we are familiar with Anne Hesche who had a highly publicized affair with Ellen DeGeneres, yet now is exclusively heterosexual in relationships with only men. Yet there are others still who have changed that are lesser publicized. Stephen Daldry for example, who directed Billy Elliot and The Hours was long known to be a homosexual until he fell in love with a woman, married and settled down.
Jackie Clune as well, a comedienne of British fame lived as a lesbian for upwards of 12 years until she, herself changed too. Writing in the British newspaper The Guardian, Clune writes “…after a particularly painful and drawn-out break up, I decided that for me being a lesbian wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. My relationships had all taken the same pattern – idyllic start, passionate intensity, massive conflict, slow merging of identities, rebellion, more conflict, couple therapy…In many ways this is all standard-issue break up stuff, straight or gay; but I couldn’t help feeling my answer lay back on the other side. I longed for my own mind back…” (June 14th, 2003)
It’s sad but true that Homophobia makes life impossible for some gays. But when we choose to change, it’s not because of “internalized homophobia” as some have accused. We come from diverse paths and are all pursuing the best for our lives. Regardless of the reason, whether propelled by our faith or our belief that there could lie something beyond the gay identity… the fact still remains that the common uniting factor in our lives is that we all are trying to live our lives the best way we see fit.
About Randy Thomas
Thank you, Frank Carrasco, for this excellent, truth filled article. I lived as a lesbian for over 20 years and have now been free for over five years. I left because I was miserable and cried out to God for help. He met me where I was at and ever since has been molding me into the person that He designed me to be.
I’ve been on both sides so I know how it feels to be on both sides. There is a lot of misinformation out there. And I know the struggle of being in the church, too. You really know what you are talking about, and it’s so nice to know that someone out there really understands.
Thanks again,
Jeanie Grant
California
Nice job, Frank! I grew tired after 18 years of the same old patterns… but I know that God used my lesbian wilderness experience and He met me there (Ezekiel 34). I now listen for HIS voice (John 10).
Thank you, Frank Carrasco, for this excellent, truth filled article. I lived as a lesbian for over 20 years and have now been free for over five years. I left because I was miserable and cried out to God for help. He met me where I was at and ever since has been molding me into the person that He designed me to be.
I’ve been on both sides so I know how it feels to be on both sides. There is a lot of misinformation out there. And I know the struggle of being in the church, too. You really know what you are talking about, and it’s so nice to know that someone out there really understands.
Thanks again,
Jeanie Grant
California
Nice job, Frank! I grew tired after 18 years of the same old patterns… but I know that God used my lesbian wilderness experience and He met me there (Ezekiel 34). I now listen for HIS voice (John 10).
Nice article here.
In my opinion, majority of people with same-sex attraction are not only confused with their gender identity, i.e., masculinity and femininity, but the confusion goes all the way to engulf their “whole identity”. The human person in his totality is too complex to be labeled simply by his struggles and this is what our culture tells the homosexual man (and woman) – that his struggle SHOULD ultimately determine his identity instead of discovering his real self in light of his dignity as a child of God. In that sense, I think it is never a coincidence that those who struggle with SSA are labeled as having “identity crisis” and true enough they do.
Nice article here.
In my opinion, majority of people with same-sex attraction are not only confused with their gender identity, i.e., masculinity and femininity, but the confusion goes all the way to engulf their “whole identity”. The human person in his totality is too complex to be labeled simply by his struggles and this is what our culture tells the homosexual man (and woman) – that his struggle SHOULD ultimately determine his identity instead of discovering his real self in light of his dignity as a child of God. In that sense, I think it is never a coincidence that those who struggle with SSA are labeled as having “identity crisis” and true enough they do.
Dear Courage Philippines,
How very true and how very well said. The identity theft began at my foundation. The tearing down of the old foundation is almost traumatic at times. But I have Jesus to fix my eyes upon. He is making himself the cheif cornerstone of my life and identity.
Thanks,
JG
Dear Courage Philippines,
How very true and how very well said. The identity theft began at my foundation. The tearing down of the old foundation is almost traumatic at times. But I have Jesus to fix my eyes upon. He is making himself the cheif cornerstone of my life and identity.
Thanks,
JG
The difference is, however, that Stephen Daldry still considers himself “gay” and says that with the exception of his wife, he is exclusively attracted to men. Anne Heche also doesn’t consider herself heterosexual, but bisexual (attracted to both men and women). So it’s inaccurate to say that either have left homosexuality. They have left homosexual behaviors but they still have homosexual feelings and non-heterosexual identities.
As for identities. I am somewhat in the middle. I do not think homosexual behavior is right because I believe in the Holy Scriptures and want to obey my Lord Jesus Christ. I do, however, consider myself gay because, to me, “gay” means a person who likes people of the same sex, whether they act on it or not. I identify as a host of other things, though. I am a child of Christ first. Then I am a son, brother, uncle, student, friend, writer, athlete, Southerner, and yes, gay. It is not my whole identity, but it does matter and it’s a part of my identity, and I don’t think that makes my faith in Christ any less.
The difference is, however, that Stephen Daldry still considers himself “gay” and says that with the exception of his wife, he is exclusively attracted to men. Anne Heche also doesn’t consider herself heterosexual, but bisexual (attracted to both men and women). So it’s inaccurate to say that either have left homosexuality. They have left homosexual behaviors but they still have homosexual feelings and non-heterosexual identities.
As for identities. I am somewhat in the middle. I do not think homosexual behavior is right because I believe in the Holy Scriptures and want to obey my Lord Jesus Christ. I do, however, consider myself gay because, to me, “gay” means a person who likes people of the same sex, whether they act on it or not. I identify as a host of other things, though. I am a child of Christ first. Then I am a son, brother, uncle, student, friend, writer, athlete, Southerner, and yes, gay. It is not my whole identity, but it does matter and it’s a part of my identity, and I don’t think that makes my faith in Christ any less.
I think that actual attractions may persist for many years due to how our brains function. Growing up being sexually molested, or exposed to sexually inappropriate stimuli, seriously compromises the normal healthy sexual development in the maturing brain. People do not develop sexual boundaries when this occurs, so it is not surprising that they experience same sex attractions no matter what their behaviors are.
For people who want to change their feelings and identies, when they work at it in terms of finding their identity in Christ, and as they begin to see themselves as God designed them, they will begin to experience less same sex attraction. Becauses as for identities, people will behave what they think or believe they are. This function of identity was examined in a 1971 study conducted at Stanford University by Philip Zimbardo in which subjects took on roles of prisoners and guards. Persons assigned the role of guard acted increasing dominant and aggressive towards those who were assigned the role of prisoners; while the inmates increasing became passive, frightened and submissive. The study got so out of hand that it was terminated early. What this study showed was that people will behave according to who they believe they are. If a person believes himself to be homosexual he will, eventually, he feel and behave as if he were. By the same token, if we identify, and believe ourselves to be heterosexual, we will feel and behave in kind.
I think that actual attractions may persist for many years due to how our brains function. Growing up being sexually molested, or exposed to sexually inappropriate stimuli, seriously compromises the normal healthy sexual development in the maturing brain. People do not develop sexual boundaries when this occurs, so it is not surprising that they experience same sex attractions no matter what their behaviors are.
For people who want to change their feelings and identies, when they work at it in terms of finding their identity in Christ, and as they begin to see themselves as God designed them, they will begin to experience less same sex attraction. Becauses as for identities, people will behave what they think or believe they are. This function of identity was examined in a 1971 study conducted at Stanford University by Philip Zimbardo in which subjects took on roles of prisoners and guards. Persons assigned the role of guard acted increasing dominant and aggressive towards those who were assigned the role of prisoners; while the inmates increasing became passive, frightened and submissive. The study got so out of hand that it was terminated early. What this study showed was that people will behave according to who they believe they are. If a person believes himself to be homosexual he will, eventually, he feel and behave as if he were. By the same token, if we identify, and believe ourselves to be heterosexual, we will feel and behave in kind.
I’m not sure it’s very accurate to take the Zimbardo study and apply it to sexuality. For one, personal accounts do negate your thesis. Stephen Daldry, for example, identifies as homosexual but feels bisexual and behaves heterosexually. I identify as homosexual, and although I feel that way, as a celibate person I behave asexually. Although I certainly do think that identity, feelings, and behaviors go hand in hand more often than not, I don’t think that simply changing one will necessarily change the others. At the very least, I have not seen scientific studies that have shown that.
I also know that the backgrounds of those who experience homosexual desires are very diverse. I, for one, was never molested, wasn’t exposed to sexually inappropriate material, and had healthy relationships with my father, brother, and male peers growing up. I still wound up with gay desires. I do think there could be a variety of biological and genetic components involved in homosexuality. This doesn’t mean a smoking gun like a “gay gene,” but a mixture of things that result in someone with homosexual feelings. For some people biology might play a greater role than environment, and for them perhaps celibacy is the best choice. That is how I see myself. None of the psychological theories of homosexual development fit for me, but that doesn’t change my desire to please the Lord with obedience.
From a theologically Christian perspective, God is not required to make us heterosexual, nor is He required to find us wives and husbands. It’s also not a sin to have homosexual feelings or to use the word “gay” for oneself. Whether or not one seeks change, then, really needs to fall back on self-determination rather than religious pressure. And even if change doesn’t happen for those who seek it, they should still remain committed to God and not doubt their relationship with Him simply because change doesn’t happen.
I’m not sure it’s very accurate to take the Zimbardo study and apply it to sexuality. For one, personal accounts do negate your thesis. Stephen Daldry, for example, identifies as homosexual but feels bisexual and behaves heterosexually. I identify as homosexual, and although I feel that way, as a celibate person I behave asexually. Although I certainly do think that identity, feelings, and behaviors go hand in hand more often than not, I don’t think that simply changing one will necessarily change the others. At the very least, I have not seen scientific studies that have shown that.
I also know that the backgrounds of those who experience homosexual desires are very diverse. I, for one, was never molested, wasn’t exposed to sexually inappropriate material, and had healthy relationships with my father, brother, and male peers growing up. I still wound up with gay desires. I do think there could be a variety of biological and genetic components involved in homosexuality. This doesn’t mean a smoking gun like a “gay gene,” but a mixture of things that result in someone with homosexual feelings. For some people biology might play a greater role than environment, and for them perhaps celibacy is the best choice. That is how I see myself. None of the psychological theories of homosexual development fit for me, but that doesn’t change my desire to please the Lord with obedience.
From a theologically Christian perspective, God is not required to make us heterosexual, nor is He required to find us wives and husbands. It’s also not a sin to have homosexual feelings or to use the word “gay” for oneself. Whether or not one seeks change, then, really needs to fall back on self-determination rather than religious pressure. And even if change doesn’t happen for those who seek it, they should still remain committed to God and not doubt their relationship with Him simply because change doesn’t happen.
Those are some well thought out and important points. Certainly homosexual origin has been and will be controversial since there is no scientific evidence to support any one theory. I agree that it is most likely a combination of nature and nurture. But what really matters is our individual relationship with God. When we get right down to it, it is between the individual and God. This may be difficult for those whose concept of God has been skewed by various religions or denominational doctrines. I believe the best approach is with an open honest heart, and throwing off all preconceived ideas and concepts, to ask God to reveal Himself as He really is.
But back to the original question “Why would anyone want to change?” Again, the answers may be as personal and individual as there are those who choose to do so. But it seems the favorite is “because I love God.”
Those are some well thought out and important points. Certainly homosexual origin has been and will be controversial since there is no scientific evidence to support any one theory. I agree that it is most likely a combination of nature and nurture. But what really matters is our individual relationship with God. When we get right down to it, it is between the individual and God. This may be difficult for those whose concept of God has been skewed by various religions or denominational doctrines. I believe the best approach is with an open honest heart, and throwing off all preconceived ideas and concepts, to ask God to reveal Himself as He really is.
But back to the original question “Why would anyone want to change?” Again, the answers may be as personal and individual as there are those who choose to do so. But it seems the favorite is “because I love God.”
Right. It is very individual and that’s something that I’ve learned over the years. Even actively gay people are extremely different and have an incredibly amount of diverse experiences and views. The same goes for Christians who fight against homosexual temptations like myself. I do agree that most people who want to change their orientation seek that path because they love God. I just hope that those of us who aren’t seeking change — but are no less seeking obedience — don’t have our love for God doubted because we aren’t seeking change. Great chatting with you.
Right. It is very individual and that’s something that I’ve learned over the years. Even actively gay people are extremely different and have an incredibly amount of diverse experiences and views. The same goes for Christians who fight against homosexual temptations like myself. I do agree that most people who want to change their orientation seek that path because they love God. I just hope that those of us who aren’t seeking change — but are no less seeking obedience — don’t have our love for God doubted because we aren’t seeking change. Great chatting with you.