For parents of adult children involved in homosexuality, the holidays can be anything but ‘happy’ and ‘merry.’ The issue of homosexuality is dividing families everywhere and holidays can be especially difficult. Thankfully, it can also be a time of mending relationships and building new ones.
As the mother of a gay-identified son, I’ve had to face this ‘holiday’ issue. The first time my son, who lives in another state, called and said, “Mom, Larry* and I want to come see you and Dad for Christmas,” I took a deep breath, said a quick prayer, and replied, “You know you both are welcome here; we just ask that you agree to stay in separate bedrooms.” They did come; they did stay in separate bedrooms; the visit was great. Although there were some awkward moments initially, my husband and I (and some, not all extended family) truly enjoyed spending time with them. There would have been a completely different outcome had my son refused to comply with our request or if he had shown any inappropriate behavior while visiting. It would also have not turned out well if I or another family member had been unfriendly, rude or arrogant. The truth is that for this to be successful, it required all of us – my son, his partner, my husband and I and our extended family, to have the desire to keep our family together. It also required the willingness to lay down our personal prejudices and respond as Christ would, unconditional love without compromising truth. My son won’t see the transformation process of my own sinful heart and, hopefully be drawn to a closer walk with Christ, if he is not involved in my life. Also, I love my son and want to be in relationship with him.
In the beginning, I wasn’t willing to even speak with one of my son’s friends, let alone invite his partner to my home. It took God sharing His heart with me, conviction of my own sin of pride, along with the ministry of Exodus Intl., to teach me what this “truth in love” thing looks like. I am still learning and need godly wisdom for each new day. There is much freedom in believing the truth that without a Holy Spirit move in my son’s heart, there will be no change, and that I, indeed, am not the Holy Spirit. The young man who came home with my son is not in relationship with him anymore, but I still consider him a friend and see him as often as I can. You see, he doesn’t have a praying mom or a relationship with our Lord yet. Although I do not want him in an inappropriate same-sex relationship, I do want him in heaven with me.
Respectfully, there are many different scenarios that have to be considered from family to family. Suppose I have just discovered my adult child’s same-sex involvement and my emotions feel like they’ve just had boiling water poured over them. I am probably not ready at this time to face the stress of socializing with my child’s partner and that’s okay. A parent in this situation has every right to decline meeting the partner and focus on their own healing. An explanation about this to their child and an invitation to spend some time with just him/her is a good idea and may open up dialogue for more intimate communication.
Parents need to make sure they don’t take on the role of policing the family. If a family member refuses to come to holiday get-togethers if the gay-identified person will attend, then their choice needs to be respected. There may or may not be legitimate reasons for the refusal. For instance, a sibling with children may not want to attend because they are afraid of the influence their gay-identified brother/sister might have on their children. If the gay-identified sibling is crossing boundaries in language or behavior, the concern is legitimate and should be treated the same as with any other disrupting family member. If he/she is not, then possibly the reason is just not feeling equipped to respond. Of course, there is also the possibility that pride and arrogance is what’s really driving their decision. Parents need not take responsibility for everyone’s decisions. As painful as these situations can be and regardless of the reasons for any conflict, they can provide a great opportunity for some great lessons learned for those truly seeking answers to difficult questions. (Remember to check out great resources to answer some of these questions at www.exodusbooks.org.)
Finally, as the Word instructs us to “Make every effort to live in peace with all men…” (Hebrews 12:14a), Jesus knew there would be times that our devotion to Him would cause family division. “Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.” (Matthew 10:37) Our responsibility as parents is to follow what Jesus said was the first and second greatest commandments: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind. The second is to love your neighbor (or your children) as yourself. (Matthew 22:37-39 paraphrased) Let us parents remember that with these two commandments and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, we can make wise and loving choices this holiday season.
* name changed
About Terri Brown
This is a very well-written piece. My family had similar issues when my sister and her live-in boyfriend came over for Christmas. That pre-marital relationship was (and sadly, still is) just as wrong as a same-sex relationship, and my parents have used the same approach of asking the two of them to stay in separate rooms while they were over. In fact, I think the same rules that would apply to a non-married straight couple should probably apply to a gay couple, since both fall under the sin of fornication.
I remember that I came out to my parents over Thanksgiving. That wasn’t the best idea to drop such a bomb on them during such a busy time, in hindsight, but it did strengthen our relationship. I do consider myself “gay” so I guess my parents could call themselves parents of a gay-identified child. But I also uphold Biblical standards of sexuality and am thus seeking celibacy. Won’t be a boyfriend (or a girlfriend) at Thanksgivings in the future, at least not attached to me, but I do hope that whatever family squabbles we have, we can deal with them in a way that honors Christ.
GREAT blog, Terri! Thanks for addressing this important issue!
Thanks Julie!
Thanks Jay! I’m glad you are in good relationship with your parents. I agree that the same rules apply. Happy Thanksgiving! (with your family, I hope
Terri and Jay, I applaud both of you. Terri, I really do believe you are modeling what Christ would do. I have several relatives who are gay or lesbian. I love them unconditionally, but I do speak the truth to them. They are great human beings and have some traits and show character that some of my straight relatives could emulate
Jay, if you were to die tonight, do you know where you would go and why you would go there? I know you identify yourself as gay but adhere to Biblical standards of sexuality, which I applaud. And I do pray that God opens a door for you to write or to teach young people. I think you could have some positive influence on them!
Since I’ve given my heart to Christ, I think I’d go to Heaven. I’m not just upholding Biblical standards of sexuality just for kicks, haha. I do it because I love Him and want to be in relationship with Him, and sin soils that relationship. Thanks for the encouragement concerning writing and teaching.
Hi, JayI was 30 years old before I realized I was a sinner, that the wages of sin is death, and that all my sins were put on Christ. Once I understood that I promptly received Him as my Savior and I was born from above. Sounds like you learned that at a much earlier age than I did, which is great!! Maybe we need to take the conversation offline to discuss further, but I’m wondering why you consider yourself gay? What does that word mean to you?
To me, it simply means a person who is predominantly attracted to the same-sex. I know different people define it differently, so I try my best to be tolerant of other same-sex attracted people who wish to use different labels for themselves (unless they want to call themselves heterosexual when they are still attracted to the same sex; I think that’s the only situation I consider an outright lie).
I don’t think the word one uses for oneself really says much about their spiritual state. “Gay,” “post-gay,” “ex-gay,” and “SSA” can all basically mean the same thing. I just find “gay” to be more honest to my understanding of language, and it also fits into the context of my daily life better. I honestly don’t use it much when speaking, though. I’d say 99% of the times I use it are online when discussing homosexual and Christian issues.
Hi,Jay
That makes perfect sense to me. I, too am same sex attracted. But I believe that for you and me, that might lessen over time. You have many years for that to happen–me not so many LOL Randy has experienced quite a tranformation over the last 17 years. God could be directing you and me in that direction as well. I think we are both in much agreement here. I enjoy talking with you!
Terri: Excellent article. One I would love to show Eric, but its too early now — but soon enough it will be, I think. I have come to a place of seeing where my own emotional issues have affected our relationship/Eric & want to be able to talk with him one on one about it, without a friend with him. I have not seen him alone in 9 yrs so it is time for us to have a healthy visit. I feel very much at peace about him and myself, too, so looking forward to time with him. He hasn’t been in my home since he came out 20 yrs ago – he goes to see his dad though. I am glad he has a relationship with his dad but I am working on my relationship with him. I have faith in what God is doing in our lives.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. God bless you and your family!
Hi Bert,
. So glad to hear that you are at peace in where you and Eric are now in this journey. The ‘waiting’ can be hard sometimes but remembering that God’s timing is perfect always helps me AND the fact that He loves my son more than I do….so that must be a LOT! 
Praying for you!
I took a few days off (am finally learning to do that
Beautifully expressed, Terri. Your family gathering at Christmas was a picture of how the body of Christ should look. Bless you.
Thanks Debbie!
Thanks, this is just what I needed to hear these holidays. I had already struggled through these decisions alone as I lost my husband a year ago and my son announced he was homosexual and moving in with his partner 6 mo ago. I needed to hear input from someone going through or who has gone thru the same delima. I am reasured I have made the right decisions, how can I witness to him and his partner if I cut him off and how would it affect my daughter who is still at home? Many have told me I should cut him off completely, but they have not delt with this problem.
Jan, so sorry for your loss. Either one of those two experiences can bring on intense grief but both within one year…wow, my heart goes out to you. Yes, many people (most who have not traveled this journey) have many opinions on this, which is why we must rely on the Holy Spirits guidance for our particular situation(s). I love what Mike Haley says in his book, 101 Frequently Asked Questions About Homosexuality, “If you alienate your child, where will he go when he comes to his senses? If home hasn’t felt safe, loving and accepting (not of his homosexuality, but of him), then that’s the last place he’s going to want to return to.” I hope you have some special times with your children this Christmas!