Also posted on the main Exodus website
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My dad was a loving leader, Spiritual and otherwise, of our family. My parents were equally active in the lives of both my brother and me. I experienced no sexual, emotional or physical abuse. While I know now that my family had its own issues, there were none of the ‘red flags’ often associated with homosexuality. Yet, in the midst of my very typical middle class family existence, I developed an early attraction for men. I was sensitive, insecure and artistic, and the other boys treated me differently and made fun of me. I was called a ‘fag’ for the first time in the sixth grade at my Christian school. I did not know what it meant, but nevertheless the seed of a new identity was planted.
My intense desire to be like other boys turned sexual in junior high school. I was mortified by my desires, and vowed never to act on them and never to tell anyone about them. I suppressed my homosexual desires by seeking perfection in academics and leadership – areas that seemed to be within my control. I was a high achiever throughout high school, college and law school. Suppressing my desires, however, did nothing to stop the feelings and longings that grew within me. My heart began to resemble my exterior less and less. As I became more and more religious, my relationship with the Lord became less and less real, and more and more contrived.
Following law school, I began dating a fellow Baylor graduate named Stephanie. We had a good group of friends, and were active leaders in Bible Study Fellowship. On the surface our relationship was founded in the Lord, but it was also rooted in deception. My secret struggles had continued to grow, and I was beginning to become depressed. I pursued marriage with the hope that it would squelch rumors about my sexuality and, even more, that it might help ‘fix’ me. Stephanie and I married in September of 1994. We lived in Midland, Texas, where I was an attorney and Stephanie was a teacher. We were involved in church and Bible study and lived a ‘perfect couple’ existence. All the while my secret homosexual desires continued to grow. In December of 1995, I discovered America On Line (AOL). AOL was the beginning of the end.
I was lured by the chat rooms, and the gay identified people who seemed to be a lot like me. I ‘met’ people who claimed to be Christian and who didn’t seem to have a problem with homosexuality. I slowly began to withdraw from my marriage and other relationships. I told Stephanie I wanted a divorce, but never told her about my struggle with homosexuality. I recanted my desire for a divorce, and instead I told her I needed a career change. I quit my job as an attorney and we moved to Lubbock, Texas, where I began pursuing an Architecture degree at Texas Tech University.
Once in Lubbock, my will to avoid AOL lasted about two weeks. I soon had an online support group of gay men in Lubbock who encouraged me to accept my homosexuality. My research of gay Christian theology had convinced me that gay was ok with God.
On November 1, 1996, I left Stephanie a letter on the door telling her I was gay and that I wanted a divorce. After leaving Stephanie, I made up for lost time and jumped head first into the gay lifestyle. I was out and proud. I went to the Metropolitan Community Church and was determined to be a different kind of gay man – moral, upright and nonpromiscuous. I failed miserably and completely from day one.
Meanwhile, the immediate rejection from Stephanie and my family that I expected did not happen. While no one accepted what I was doing as right, no one rejected me or cut me off. Stephanie had known nothing of my struggle and had no exposure to homosexuality, but she refused to pursue a divorce. She said “God put us together and I don’t know how, but I know He can repair this situation.”
Looking back on that time, I have realized that the spiritual foundation I received in my youth held firm. As determined as I was, I had no peace. Yet, even in my state of disrupted fellowship with God, I still could not fathom how I could be any different. I continued to pursue my homosexual dream with gusto.
I went home to my parents’ house during Easter of 1997. It was a tense weekend, and I vowed that I would file divorce papers the next week and never return to my parents’ house again. As I was leaving, my dad gave me the book “You Don’t Have to be Gay,” which I viewed as right-wing propaganda and took only to appease him. I believe that the Holy Spirit physically caused my hands to open that book, and within two days I had completed it.
It was the first testimony I had ever heard of someone who had left the gay lifestyle. As the author referenced Scripture, I saw the truth. God did love me just as I was, but he could not leave me there. I sat on the floor of my sparsely furnished garage apartment and knew I was to go home to Stephanie. I argued for days with God and heard only one response to my arguments…”I love you.”
Stephanie was shocked when I showed up at her door, but she accepted me home. We moved back to Midland where my old law firm offered me my job back, and both of us began the arduous process of personal and emotional healing. We attended our first Exodus freedom Conference about two months later and were filled with hope for change. There was no ‘ex-gay’ ministry in Midland, but a wonderful Bible study leader and Christian counselor began to meet with me regularly and simply
pointed me to Christ. He helped me unpack my true identity – as a man and a child of God. While it was a very hard time, God began to work amazing healing and transformation in both of us. He changed our lives.
The church that I harbored such bitterness and anger towards became a huge part of our healing. Early on, God prompted us to quit looking for a place to have our needs met and instead to find a place to serve. We became a part of a new church called Stonegate Fellowship, and it was there that God called us into ministry. We started an Exodus Member Ministry and shared our testimony publicly for the first time. As I shared from a stage the thing that I was most scared of revealing, God showed
us the beauty of being real, and our church responded with an amazing display of love, acceptance and support. Stonegate ultimately hired me, a lawyer and former homosexual, to be its Senior Associate Pastor. Stonegate became the church Stephanie and I had dreamt of – a church that lived out its belief that Jesus Christ can change a life. I never really figured out why I struggled with homosexuality. But I know from His Word that he allows struggles in our lives so that his power might be displayed in us and so that He will receive glory. I can think of no better life than to be a vessel for God’s glory and power. It is not about coming to grips with who I am. It is about coming to grips with who HE is. That is a life worth living.
We would not trade the struggles we went through for anything. Our ‘real’ marriage is so much better than the marriage we dreamt of for ourselves. God has blessed our family with three beautiful children and has grown in Stephanie and me a pure and beautiful love for each other and for the Lord. We know we have not arrived, but we also know that the end of the journey will be beyond our imaginations.
MORE:
Church Brings Hope by Patrick Payton of Stonegate Fellowship (Mike’s Home Church)
About Randy Thomas
Thanks mike for the testimony, it is so encouraging. Thank you for following God and leading by example. God Bless you.
As a gay Christian who knows of the power of God, this testimony makes me feel hopeless and trapped. Why Mike and not me? 20 years I prayed. I told my wife before we were married of my struggles. It still didn’t work. Now she, my son, and I are all suffering the consequences of trying to make a mixed orientation marriage work. Does anyone have a message of hope for me?
Trey –
It’s months after you wrote your comment, but I hope you still see it. I don’t know why God tarries – I don’t know why the first time we pray for freedom it’s not granted immediately. I do know that my husband prayed for decades (more than three) before God revealed the core of his struggle and granted him freedom. We’re still a work in progress, just like Mike & Stephanie are, but we’re making more forward-progress than backward progress.
There IS hope – Jesus is the author, finisher, and perfecter of our faith and there is ALWAYS hope in Him. I don’t want to give you or your wife platitudes, but I know firsthand that there is hope. Don’t give up – keep pressing on and seeking Him. Praying for you today…
Trey, I only know that whatever happens or doesn’t happen, none of it changes God’s love for you, your wife, and your son. I have no answer for your situation. But please continue to keep on trusting God no matter what. That doesn’t make sense humanly speaking, does it. Who knows? I believe God’s loving grace is powerful enough to make even a mixed orientation marriage work. That sounds crazy doesn’t it. I know God wants to keep me dependent on Him, and He knows what it takes to accomplish that. He told me that I have the problems I have because if He had given me a drug dependency problem instead (that I think would be easier to deal with) that it would have destroyed me, and that He wants me to be dependent on Him and not to be destroyed. I’m not yet to the point of boasting in my weakness and being grateful for it like the Apostle Paul, but I’m fairly sure I’m being moved in that direction. It’s like He’s creating a thankful heart in me rather than allowing a bitter heart, and I like the sound of that. Kind of like, “God, whatever You do or don’t do, I’m not going to let it stop me from delighting in You.” Twenty years ago I don’t think I could have even considered that. But I want to thank you for your post; now people can pray for you and they wouldn’t have been able to if you hadn’t posted. You are an encouragement because You’re trusting God when it doesn’t make sense!
Thanks for the reply, Cori. Not granting freedom the first time we pray and not granting it after 20 years (or 30 in the case of your husband) are two vastly different things. Like Paul’s thorn, some things are never taken away…and it has nothing to do with God tarrying and everything to do with who God is. The real question is not why God doesn’t take it away, but why was it given in the first place. Like Paul’s thorn (and based on one’s understanding of God, Scripture, and what’s sinful), it may indeed be a battle meant to be fought over one’s entire life. On the other hand, it may be a \difference\ or \weakness\ that one is to accept and make the best of (which in this case would mean either celibacy or a committed, monogamous partnership).
The thing that upsets me about Mike’s story and Exodus’ mission, is the subtext that exists stating that everyone can and should be \healed\ of their homosexuality. Not everyone will be. Jesus didn’t heal everyone. And it’s a false hope for some. That doesn’t mean that you rule out God’s ability to heal altogether, but just because one is changed doesn’t mean all should and can be. Saying so is like praying for a sick person and then, when they’re not healed, blaming it on their lack of faith. What a harmful and destructive mentality…it leaves the sick person hopeless. And this is what I was getting at back in December…that is how I felt even as I read your testimony. This is why there are scores of testimonies online of people who have been damaged by ex-gay teaching…including my own. In order to avert this, I think the ex-gay industry needs to change. State that this is how they understand Scripture but humbly admit that they may be wrong, that you can still be a Christian and be gay, that – if you can’t or don’t change – monogamy is preferable to promiscuity, but if you want to try and change through healing…we’re here for that, too. It doesn’t mean an end to ex-gay ministry…it just allows room for the \un-healed\ to not be cast further outside the camp. For although that is indeed the message of the OT, that is not the message of Jesus.