Often, on this blog and elsewhere, you will hear me refer to my 17 year walk away from homosexuality, gay identity and gay culture as a Christian Post-gay Journey. I reject gay, straight and ex-gay as labels because they are too confining and not accurate. Unfortunately post-gay will inevitably be used as a personal label but I think the true definition is too large for that minimization. Post-gay describes a cultural journey beyond “gay or straight only” dichotomy.
So, I talk about Post-gay quite a bit from a Christian perspective. Yesterday Peter Ould posted an article out of the London Times about a man, Patrick Muirhead , who identified as gay and has now “decided” he’s going to be straight. The article never mentions God convicting him, doesn’t mention anything to do with therapy or support groups and I believe is a secular example of a post-gay shift already well underway in Europe. It contains somewhat coarse humor and I am sure everyone, from Christian to those who identify as gay, will be offended by something within the article.
I am posting about this because the false dichotomy of people only being gay or straight is wearing thin and I believe will be eventually discarded altogether.
I want to quote one part of the article I found a irreverent, poignant and even beautiful on one level:
A minor incident in a barber’s shop last week has helped me to realise that I may no longer be gay. Not a fully fledged homo, anyway; perhaps not even a part-timer who helps the team out when it’s busy. It appears I may be going straight.
I was in Tenterden, the Kentish village where I was brought up and to which I have lately returned, working at a nearby aerodrome as a helicopter pilot. I was waiting my turn for a chatty Latvian to apply the hot towels and razor.
A handsome young dad entered with a small, fair-haired boy at his side. The man took a seat and hoisted the wide-eyed child proudly on to his knee. The first haircut, I speculated inwardly, as an unfamiliar fatherly glow and feeling of mild envy swept over me. I could not tear my attention away from the mirrored reflections.
From time to time, the dad leant forward as they waited and whispered close to his son’s ear, tenderly kissing his fair head. Touching stuff.
But then my eyes lowered and I became transfixed by the sight of the boy’s tiny pink fingers gripping his father’s huge, workman-like fist. And I almost wanted to burst into song.
I think my life changed at that moment.
That’s love, folks. Simple really. A proud dad, an adored little boy and a beautiful display of dependence and responsibility. It was the epiphany I had needed and I emerged with a dashing new haircut and a desire to procreate.
Ok… I appreciated the whole article and especially that last humorous sentence in the above quote 
. Go read the article remaining mindful that it might contain offensive statements for some.
I am interested to know your thoughts about the article.
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Peter Ould’s story is very interesting and well-told. One of the things that hit me, because he comes from a secular perspective, is that he “decided” to go straight. Most of us as Christians pretty much subscribe to the idea that just “deciding” to go straight probably won’t get us there; that only God can enable that drastic of a personal change in our lives. Personally, for me that seems still to ring true. For the most part, we seek to lead those who think themselves to be gay to Christ and then pray that the Holy Spirit will change them when they realize the inner conflict from the perspective of their new lives. I hadn’t given much thought to a non-Christian making a reasoned decision to become straight because of his own weighing of the positives. It stands to reason, given all the factors that influence decisions we make about our sexual orientation, that as we encounter new factors, we might make better decisions about that orientation. God bless him. I pray that he moves beyond the secular at some point and realizes the true value of his freedom.
Hey Thom,
That wasn’t Peter’s story in the Times, it was Patrick’s. Peter was responsible for giving me the heads up by posting it on his blog.
I have heard of or read of similar story’s to Patrick’s my entire gay/post-gay journey. One friend of mine I ran around all the gay bars with would every so often be smitten with a young woman or desire to have a “traditional family” but would say he was completely gay and not bi.
I think this happens much more than people want to admit because to make a decision like this, for whatever reasons, is roundly punished by those holding a pro-gay viewpoint.
I pray the same thing for him too.
I know a gay atheist who recently got engaged to a woman. As far as I know, he identifies as gay, not straight or bisexual. (Much like director Stephen Daldry, despite being married to a woman and fathering children, also still considers himself gay). I don’t think stories such as that are punished by those with a pro-gay viewpoint. For one, the gay atheist I mentioned (as well as Stephen Daldry) are still very outspoken gay rights activists. So, in that sense, they are very pro-gay.
What I think offends people, and perhaps rightly so, is when people who have undergone this journey declare that it is something that every gay person should do, or if they proceed to attack their friends who are currently actively gay. It is one thing to make a personal choice for yourself in terms of your own relationships, identity, and behavior. I’ve never seen a pro-gay person be vicious towards someone who has done that. It is another thing to say that your personal choice is the right one, and that everyone else should follow along because you think their choices are stupid. I don’t think Patrick has overtly said that, but he does kind of imply it with his tone, which is why I think his story could be seen as offensive.
Randy,
Sorry about that. I got my Peters and Patricks mixed up. LOL. Anyway, I have a son named Patrick and I guess I was thinking “not Patrick,” at the time my finger hit the “P,” so I typed Peter instead. No offense intended to Peter or Patrick or anyone else. Indeed, anyone who is offended by Patrick’s personal decision is off base. Had he been living a straight life all these years and suddenly made a choice to go gay, the same people in the pro-gay group who are offended would be applauding. The gift of a free will comes with the burden of pursuit. There are no limits to the number of people blocking us no matter which way we want to go. Pursuing God is the answer, of course, but sometimes the equation sure takes a while to figure out.
Well I have a feeling if he were a straight person “going gay” he wouldn’t be making derogatory remarks about heterosexuals. As it stands, it seems as though he is making derogatory remarks about gay people, as well as saying that he has a newfound disapproval of civil unions, which means he wants to deny gay people certain rights. I think that is why most would be offended.
Peter Ould’s story is very interesting and well-told. One of the things that hit me, because he comes from a secular perspective, is that he “decided” to go straight. Most of us as Christians pretty much subscribe to the idea that just “deciding” to go straight probably won’t get us there; that only God can enable that drastic of a personal change in our lives. Personally, for me that seems still to ring true. For the most part, we seek to lead those who think themselves to be gay to Christ and then pray that the Holy Spirit will change them when they realize the inner conflict from the perspective of their new lives. I hadn’t given much thought to a non-Christian making a reasoned decision to become straight because of his own weighing of the positives. It stands to reason, given all the factors that influence decisions we make about our sexual orientation, that as we encounter new factors, we might make better decisions about that orientation. God bless him. I pray that he moves beyond the secular at some point and realizes the true value of his freedom.
Hey Thom,
That wasn’t Peter’s story in the Times, it was Patrick’s. Peter was responsible for giving me the heads up by posting it on his blog.
I have heard of or read of similar story’s to Patrick’s my entire gay/post-gay journey. One friend of mine I ran around all the gay bars with would every so often be smitten with a young woman or desire to have a “traditional family” but would say he was completely gay and not bi.
I think this happens much more than people want to admit because to make a decision like this, for whatever reasons, is roundly punished by those holding a pro-gay viewpoint.
I pray the same thing for him too.
I know a gay atheist who recently got engaged to a woman. As far as I know, he identifies as gay, not straight or bisexual. (Much like director Stephen Daldry, despite being married to a woman and fathering children, also still considers himself gay). I don’t think stories such as that are punished by those with a pro-gay viewpoint. For one, the gay atheist I mentioned (as well as Stephen Daldry) are still very outspoken gay rights activists. So, in that sense, they are very pro-gay.
What I think offends people, and perhaps rightly so, is when people who have undergone this journey declare that it is something that every gay person should do, or if they proceed to attack their friends who are currently actively gay. It is one thing to make a personal choice for yourself in terms of your own relationships, identity, and behavior. I’ve never seen a pro-gay person be vicious towards someone who has done that. It is another thing to say that your personal choice is the right one, and that everyone else should follow along because you think their choices are stupid. I don’t think Patrick has overtly said that, but he does kind of imply it with his tone, which is why I think his story could be seen as offensive.
Randy,
Sorry about that. I got my Peters and Patricks mixed up. LOL. Anyway, I have a son named Patrick and I guess I was thinking “not Patrick,” at the time my finger hit the “P,” so I typed Peter instead. No offense intended to Peter or Patrick or anyone else. Indeed, anyone who is offended by Patrick’s personal decision is off base. Had he been living a straight life all these years and suddenly made a choice to go gay, the same people in the pro-gay group who are offended would be applauding. The gift of a free will comes with the burden of pursuit. There are no limits to the number of people blocking us no matter which way we want to go. Pursuing God is the answer, of course, but sometimes the equation sure takes a while to figure out.
Well I have a feeling if he were a straight person “going gay” he wouldn’t be making derogatory remarks about heterosexuals. As it stands, it seems as though he is making derogatory remarks about gay people, as well as saying that he has a newfound disapproval of civil unions, which means he wants to deny gay people certain rights. I think that is why most would be offended.
Randy,
Very interesting article; thanks for sharing it. My only thoughts are ‘Why would Christians be particularly offended by the article?” The sad part for me was reading many of the responses, from offended gays & their defenders, attacking Patrick’s decision. It is, after all, his choice to determine how he lives his life. I wish him all the best and the happiness he longs to find. My prayer is that his search leads him to the love of God in Christ Jesus.
I put that “might be offensive” statement because I know some Christians won’t understand some of the humor and think he is minimizing something very important or making light of serious sexual behavior. I personally wasn’t offended by any of it but I could imagine some folks who might.
I agree with your prayer too!
Randy,
Very interesting article; thanks for sharing it. My only thoughts are ‘Why would Christians be particularly offended by the article?” The sad part for me was reading many of the responses, from offended gays & their defenders, attacking Patrick’s decision. It is, after all, his choice to determine how he lives his life. I wish him all the best and the happiness he longs to find. My prayer is that his search leads him to the love of God in Christ Jesus.
I put that “might be offensive” statement because I know some Christians won’t understand some of the humor and think he is minimizing something very important or making light of serious sexual behavior. I personally wasn’t offended by any of it but I could imagine some folks who might.
I agree with your prayer too!
It’s a good read. Causes everyone to rethink their “tried and true” positions on sexuality. I find Patrick very vulnerable and personable in his article. I do not question his epiphany of desire to be a husband and a father. The challenge will be to walk the road of change required to be both a husband and father.
Being the mother of five children, with four of them being boys growing into men, I tell them that what they cultivate in their singles lives will follow them in their married lives. So if, as young adult singles, they cultivate a private life that builds the fires of a sexual appetite apart from commitment, they will then find it very difficult to remain faithful if they do choose marriage at some point in the future.
Coming together in a sexual union is not what marriage is about. Yes their is pleasure in the sexual union, given to be enjoyed and also to help us to meet the very first commandment given by God in the garden. Be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth and subdue it. Those are the inner longings of men and great pleasure and real satisfaction is gain by walking in the longing.
Marriage is about having opportunity to walk in the fullest expression of us being made in the image of God. That happens in it’s fullest way in the two becoming one flesh. Out of it we also, like God, create (in part) life.
I trust God for Patrick and his life and that as he continues to move in his God given desires that he will find Him in the process.
It’s a good read. Causes everyone to rethink their “tried and true” positions on sexuality. I find Patrick very vulnerable and personable in his article. I do not question his epiphany of desire to be a husband and a father. The challenge will be to walk the road of change required to be both a husband and father.
Being the mother of five children, with four of them being boys growing into men, I tell them that what they cultivate in their singles lives will follow them in their married lives. So if, as young adult singles, they cultivate a private life that builds the fires of a sexual appetite apart from commitment, they will then find it very difficult to remain faithful if they do choose marriage at some point in the future.
Coming together in a sexual union is not what marriage is about. Yes their is pleasure in the sexual union, given to be enjoyed and also to help us to meet the very first commandment given by God in the garden. Be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth and subdue it. Those are the inner longings of men and great pleasure and real satisfaction is gain by walking in the longing.
Marriage is about having opportunity to walk in the fullest expression of us being made in the image of God. That happens in it’s fullest way in the two becoming one flesh. Out of it we also, like God, create (in part) life.
I trust God for Patrick and his life and that as he continues to move in his God given desires that he will find Him in the process.
This seems to be a well thought out decision, though walking carefully and with deep respect for himself, which made me have great respect for someone who is willing to look at 21 yrs of his life and decide that perhaps his early decisions were not always an accurate reflection of who he is >all< his life.
I have a friend who was madly in love with a girl who jilted him (after many years of going together and he expected to marry her..) – with her new choice in husband-to-be, he **DECIDED** HE WOULD BE GAY. I questioned him about this but he was clear that he had made a choice to not become involved with females from that time on. Yet he also told me he wants to have a family and be a father in the future. I pray my friend will not lose 21 yrs of his life before he decides to risk a relationship again with a woman. He comes from a very strong christian family and does know what God wants for him…. so my hope is to one day dance at his wedding!
I wish this gentleman who wrote this article only the happiest in his life – and to experience the most incredible marriage and the extreme joys of having a child. Children do teach us to love in extraordinary ways.
I think if the gentleman in this article doesn’t accept Christ as his savior–which it appears he hasn’t–then no matter how good his earthly marriage is, and how many children he has, he will never experience the greatest marriage of all, and the greatest love of all, and that is a relationship with Jesus Christ. That marriage transcends all our earthly identities and circumstances–straight, gay, single, married–and it is the only relationship that will truly last. As interesting as this piece is, I can’t help but feel sad that this man is seeking freedom and happiness in heterosexuality, when true freedom comes through Christ alone.
Hi Bert,
I would think that if your friend was not already sexually and emotionally attracted by men, this “decision” to become gay isn’t going to go very far. It’s simply not that easy, as many people making the decision the other direction can probably attest.
Two points:
1) I read the article here in the UK when the day it was published. Yes, he is not a Christian, and some Christians would be put off by his sense of humour, but he’s only saying what straight guys say, but in a round about, flip of the coin way.
2) People can decide they’ve been hurt enough/so badly, that they don’t want to go there again, whatever ‘there’ is – a person, people, ideology etc. It’s a fact that some women choose to never be around men again, or have a relationship with a man because of physical, emotional or sexual damage done by a man or men – even ex-husbands. Even at middle age, a woman can make a conscious decision to not have a relationship with a man again because of how her ex-husband had treated her. There’s been a wave of lesbianism amongst daughters of evangelical Christians. They daughters were good girlfriends to their boyfriends, but were treated badly by the boyfriends, and so have taken a girlfriend, because a girl has never treated them like that etc. It’s well-documented amongst women, or that a change in orientation happens as a result, even though it is not a conscious decision in many cases. So why not for men?
I agree it does force people to rethink everything they think about definate lines between ‘straight’ and ‘gay’.
This seems to be a well thought out decision, though walking carefully and with deep respect for himself, which made me have great respect for someone who is willing to look at 21 yrs of his life and decide that perhaps his early decisions were not always an accurate reflection of who he is >all< his life.
I have a friend who was madly in love with a girl who jilted him (after many years of going together and he expected to marry her..) – with her new choice in husband-to-be, he **DECIDED** HE WOULD BE GAY. I questioned him about this but he was clear that he had made a choice to not become involved with females from that time on. Yet he also told me he wants to have a family and be a father in the future. I pray my friend will not lose 21 yrs of his life before he decides to risk a relationship again with a woman. He comes from a very strong christian family and does know what God wants for him…. so my hope is to one day dance at his wedding!
I wish this gentleman who wrote this article only the happiest in his life – and to experience the most incredible marriage and the extreme joys of having a child. Children do teach us to love in extraordinary ways.
I think if the gentleman in this article doesn’t accept Christ as his savior–which it appears he hasn’t–then no matter how good his earthly marriage is, and how many children he has, he will never experience the greatest marriage of all, and the greatest love of all, and that is a relationship with Jesus Christ. That marriage transcends all our earthly identities and circumstances–straight, gay, single, married–and it is the only relationship that will truly last. As interesting as this piece is, I can’t help but feel sad that this man is seeking freedom and happiness in heterosexuality, when true freedom comes through Christ alone.
Hi Bert,
I would think that if your friend was not already sexually and emotionally attracted by men, this “decision” to become gay isn’t going to go very far. It’s simply not that easy, as many people making the decision the other direction can probably attest.
Two points:
1) I read the article here in the UK when the day it was published. Yes, he is not a Christian, and some Christians would be put off by his sense of humour, but he’s only saying what straight guys say, but in a round about, flip of the coin way.
2) People can decide they’ve been hurt enough/so badly, that they don’t want to go there again, whatever ‘there’ is – a person, people, ideology etc. It’s a fact that some women choose to never be around men again, or have a relationship with a man because of physical, emotional or sexual damage done by a man or men – even ex-husbands. Even at middle age, a woman can make a conscious decision to not have a relationship with a man again because of how her ex-husband had treated her. There’s been a wave of lesbianism amongst daughters of evangelical Christians. They daughters were good girlfriends to their boyfriends, but were treated badly by the boyfriends, and so have taken a girlfriend, because a girl has never treated them like that etc. It’s well-documented amongst women, or that a change in orientation happens as a result, even though it is not a conscious decision in many cases. So why not for men?
I agree it does force people to rethink everything they think about definate lines between ‘straight’ and ‘gay’.