I used to hate Valentines Day during the first few years of my post-gay journey. I used to joke about going Cupid Hunting. The anger present back then is long gone but I still like making fun of February 14th being “Open Cupid Hunting Season.” A couple of years ago I had funny little tweets of hunting him down throughout the day.
As sappy as this might sound, it is a day I to try to take some time and consider “The Lover of my Soul.” His love is meant, and more than sufficient, to sustain those of us who are not married.
And that means all of us at some point in lives are meant to learn this lesson for ourselves.
We get a lot of questions about singleness in those who are on a Christian post-gay journey. Most of the people who go to our Member Agencies for help are single (that’s an educated guess from 17 years of personal observation, not documented fact.) We were asked about “singleness” again on the Exodus Facebook page last week.
Last year, I wrote about this in a personal (not public) note on Facebook and decided to edit that note (a lot) and post it here. It’s not comprehensive but it hits a couple of important points I consider as someone who is what some refer to as a “long term single.”
What follows is very general but I hope will be encouraging.
Contentment in Christ - A Call To Sacrificial Selflessness
When it comes to being a content in Christ single person, I think it is a very personalized issue on what sustains us during rough “single” times. Early in my walk it was difficult at first but also amazing to turn all of that yearning and desire into worship and prayer. God knows our deep heart cries and He wants to hear them and reason with/minister to us. The most intensely “lonely” times have been some of my most intense communion (and journaling times.) We are relational beings and I believe we are all single for a season, or a lifetime, to develop our personal/dynamic relationship with God.
We are created single people wired for healthy dependence on God (in all things) and healthy interdependence on one another. It’s my opinion that we aren’t called to be single, we are called to be sacrificially selfless. Some will become intimately selfless in Marriage while others, like me, are called to be as intimately selfless to God and the Church. Whether we ever marry or not (a matter of faith in God’s perspective of the bigger picture) we are all called to sacrificial selflessness.
We must seek to fall in love with God. Without falling in love with Him we can’t truly love anyone else in the transcendent and selfless way that He has created us too. It’s not enough to just know about Him, He’s eternally in love with us. I personally want that love to be mutual so I can know His heart and how He manifests His love, will and purpose in the relationships around me. Knowing Him, helps me to be confident and secure to know others wherever they are at … not where I would want them to be.
Love is Abundant When We Know What We are Looking For
One book that really helps in this area is “The Four Loves” by CS Lewis. For me, in the first part of my post-gay journey, it really opened my eyes to the great expanse of “loving” relationships. To bear the image of God is to know and be known and “love” is found in many awesome ways. By finding and being content in the understanding of the various types of loving relationships, that allowed the opportunity to receive the immense relational blessings that are more abundant than I had realized. Sometimes those of us on a post-gay journey are discouraged by the cloudy hopes of an opposite sex spouse or romantic memories of a former life. We are discouraged by others who curse our journey as futile. Our immediate intimacy culture isn’t taught that true intimate relationships take a great deal of investment of time and are dependent on being rooted in God and again sacrificial selflessness. We are taught that intimacy equals sex or boundary-less “all or nothing meet *my* needs” emotional relationships. By learning about the different complexities of the vastly different manifestations of love (Affection, Friendship, Eros and Charity), when love does occur we can understand and value it more. When love is approached rightly, whether we are single or married, we will be sustained in our heart, mind and soul.
The Lord very clearly told me that if I wanted consistent friends, I had to be a consistent friend first. By taking the time to be a consistent friend first (not waiting for others to live up to my expectations or meet my needs before blessing them), life became increasingly more satisfying. The more I learned how to engage appropriately with the community around me, in an intentional and informed manner, the more joy came into my life.
Acts of Service
Also, while I am all for personal communion time, books, seminars … nothing beats acts of service in my book. Singleness is a HUGE blessing to the Body of Christ. So many singles complain and complain and complain about what they don’t have and don’t get. And while it is true that there is a level of prejudice against single people, I don’t remember Jesus copping an attitude with His married friends. Neither did Paul (the not divine like Jesus single guy) for that matter.
Jesus didn’t show up to the party with a bag of stale Tostitos, a chip on His shoulder, complaining about the pressure and demands of working in a Christian non-profit 
… He turned the water into wine, healed the broken, blessed the children, brought the dead to life, fed 5000 and knows each one of us by name.
The church is not our concierge or a source of infotainment. The church is not a consumption based product … she is glorious, living, hurting, being sanctified and purified Bride of Christ. If we single folk don’t like what we are seeing and experiencing … we need to stop the yapping, DVR the last episode of LOST and go do something about it in love, humility and sacrificial service.
Conclusion
It’s great to question, and be open to consider, the “what if’s” of possible future relationships but that isn’t where our hope lies. Our hope is in Christ alone, right here and right now. Jesus is the perfect example of sacrificial selflessness. Marriage is a wonderful thing but it isn’t the pinnacle of intimacy nor the barometer of “success.” That place is reserved for God alone and everyone, married or single, is created for that ultimate purpose. Marriage symbolizes God’s Image in a way that is unparalleled, mysterious and transcendant but so is the soul committed to Christ in their momentary or lifelong singleness. The Married couple becoming one in Christ is glorious but not more glorious than the Saint becoming one with Christ in commitment to His Glory being made manifest in the Church here on Earth. These are different commitments but both are to be complementary witnesses of God’s Image, intimacy and desire. Both are intended to be sacrificially selfless and both are equally esteemed very highly by our Creator.
Regardless of whether marriage is a part of my future or not, regardless of the fact that I still have a lot to learn, I am whole in Christ. His love surrounds me as I engage Him in my community with sacrificial and selfless joy. Be at peace, you are surrounded by love. I pray you will have eyes to see, for the first time or a greater measure, that Love.
About Randy Thomas
Amen, brother. Excellent article.
Thank you Susan.
Amen, brother. Excellent article.
Thank you Susan.
Nothing really to add cos what Randy has written is fab, except that being single can be as boring or as exciting as a person makes it. When I was 12, my Dad was at Bible college, and we used to visit him. I would sit next to old ladies at dinner, and they would talk about how they were hacking through the jungle with a samurai sword to get to a remote tribe… I had forgotten about those old ladies, but since I realised I am to be single for life and became happy to not be chasing a marriage that was never meant to be, I am now revisiting those memories of those conversations with the old ladies (who never married). There is a big world out there, just waiting for each person to discover and serve God in. And single people have singleness as their advantage to have adventures in Christ! Also, I’ve found that living with family or friends helps with the loneliness – impacts the need for relationships/created as relational beings.
Good thoughts Catherine. My only thought is to take each day in a step of faith and don’t limit your future relational possibilities … you never know but God does.
Nothing really to add cos what Randy has written is fab, except that being single can be as boring or as exciting as a person makes it. When I was 12, my Dad was at Bible college, and we used to visit him. I would sit next to old ladies at dinner, and they would talk about how they were hacking through the jungle with a samurai sword to get to a remote tribe… I had forgotten about those old ladies, but since I realised I am to be single for life and became happy to not be chasing a marriage that was never meant to be, I am now revisiting those memories of those conversations with the old ladies (who never married). There is a big world out there, just waiting for each person to discover and serve God in. And single people have singleness as their advantage to have adventures in Christ! Also, I’ve found that living with family or friends helps with the loneliness – impacts the need for relationships/created as relational beings.
Good thoughts Catherine. My only thought is to take each day in a step of faith and don’t limit your future relational possibilities … you never know but God does.
I have been a Christian for 21 years. I have to say for me it has been a bit bumpy in my spiritual journey at times. I have always had sexual feelings for the same sex, and never for the opposite sex through out my entire life. Before I became a Christian, I never followed through dating anyone or being intimate with anyone. I grew up in a Christian household, and I knew that it was always wrong to follow through with that life style even though at the time I didn’t give my heart to Christ. I truly understand the anger felt by Mr. Thomas. I still now and then feel that way because I never experienced what it was like to be intimate with someone, and I feel now and then deprived and sad. However, I would never leave Jesus in a million years. There is just no comparison living a life separated from Jesus. When I think about my life before I became a Christian, the feeling was just empty and bland. Even though at times there are issues that pop up now and then, Christ in my life out ways those issues I face. I personally believe that if you still have a sexual attraction for the same sex, then I think you shouldn’t get married. If you have 100% sexually transformation, which happens to some people, then of course there is no issue. But again, if you still have a sexual attraction for the same sex, then I just don’t think it is fair for a spouse to have to deal with that. The most unselfish thing to do is just to remain single. I know in my life, I will never ever get married. However, that is between you and the Lord.
Thanks for sharing your heart James. I really appreciate it.
I don’t think I agree with you about being completely 100% sexual transformation. Lust is lust whether it is homosexual or heterosexual. Many men do completely transform and are committed to their wives 100% even if they have the occasional temptation. They never act on them and deal with it appropriately.
I’ve never met a healthy male that didn’t struggle (at times) with some sort of sexual temptation and I’ve never met healthy wives, who along with their own struggles, who weren’t aware of it and still both are committed 100% to their marriage.
Sy Rogers says that it is a matter of security and maturity in your walk/growth that is more important than your struggle. So, sure, if you are going to make marriage vows to your spouse and God… you better know what you are doing and not making a careless, hidden or immature decision. Even so, people don’t have to be perfect or struggle free to marry.
Just my “not comprehensive just barely touching on a very complicated issue” two cents.
I have been a Christian for 21 years. I have to say for me it has been a bit bumpy in my spiritual journey at times. I have always had sexual feelings for the same sex, and never for the opposite sex through out my entire life. Before I became a Christian, I never followed through dating anyone or being intimate with anyone. I grew up in a Christian household, and I knew that it was always wrong to follow through with that life style even though at the time I didn’t give my heart to Christ. I truly understand the anger felt by Mr. Thomas. I still now and then feel that way because I never experienced what it was like to be intimate with someone, and I feel now and then deprived and sad. However, I would never leave Jesus in a million years. There is just no comparison living a life separated from Jesus. When I think about my life before I became a Christian, the feeling was just empty and bland. Even though at times there are issues that pop up now and then, Christ in my life out ways those issues I face. I personally believe that if you still have a sexual attraction for the same sex, then I think you shouldn’t get married. If you have 100% sexually transformation, which happens to some people, then of course there is no issue. But again, if you still have a sexual attraction for the same sex, then I just don’t think it is fair for a spouse to have to deal with that. The most unselfish thing to do is just to remain single. I know in my life, I will never ever get married. However, that is between you and the Lord.
Thanks for sharing your heart James. I really appreciate it.
I don’t think I agree with you about being completely 100% sexual transformation. Lust is lust whether it is homosexual or heterosexual. Many men do completely transform and are committed to their wives 100% even if they have the occasional temptation. They never act on them and deal with it appropriately.
I’ve never met a healthy male that didn’t struggle (at times) with some sort of sexual temptation and I’ve never met healthy wives, who along with their own struggles, who weren’t aware of it and still both are committed 100% to their marriage.
Sy Rogers says that it is a matter of security and maturity in your walk/growth that is more important than your struggle. So, sure, if you are going to make marriage vows to your spouse and God… you better know what you are doing and not making a careless, hidden or immature decision. Even so, people don’t have to be perfect or struggle free to marry.
Just my “not comprehensive just barely touching on a very complicated issue” two cents.
I needed that today, Randy.
Thanks, friend.
You are welcome friend. Be encouraged.
I needed that today, Randy.
Thanks, friend.
You are welcome friend. Be encouraged.
If one chooses to remain celibate, why is it an issue that one’s sexuality must be transformed to an extent? Will you not make it to heaven if you don’t? Do you have to change your sexuality in order to make it into heaven and order to not be separated by Jesus? I just don’t understand that point if you are going to be celibate, and are not going to be intimate with another person ever again in your life? What is the point? What does this prove?
If one chooses to remain celibate, why is it an issue that one’s sexuality must be transformed to an extent? Will you not make it to heaven if you don’t? Do you have to change your sexuality in order to make it into heaven and order to not be separated by Jesus? I just don’t understand that point if you are going to be celibate, and are not going to be intimate with another person ever again in your life? What is the point? What does this prove?
awesome post Randy, you said everything i would have liked to say and you said it so much better!
awesome post Randy, you said everything i would have liked to say and you said it so much better!
Randy, thank you for sharing this. I had a conversation on another forum concerning singleness. The concession was that singleness was not a blessing and singles were at a disadvantage. I was told my singleness was a sign of immaturity and underlying issues I was not addressing. I didn’t agree. I just think it is a blessing that I can function well as a Christian single man and offer my whole self to ministry. Thank you for encouraging us to see singleness as a blessing and not a curse.
Randy, thank you for sharing this. I had a conversation on another forum concerning singleness. The concession was that singleness was not a blessing and singles were at a disadvantage. I was told my singleness was a sign of immaturity and underlying issues I was not addressing. I didn’t agree. I just think it is a blessing that I can function well as a Christian single man and offer my whole self to ministry. Thank you for encouraging us to see singleness as a blessing and not a curse.