You Just Never Know What Could Happen Now Do You?
One of my young(er) friends on Facebook sent me a message that I have been getting a lot lately. Now that I have passed the 40 year old mark by two years the youngin’s ask me “lonely old man” questions a lot. They don’t say it like that and I am being humorous in phrasing it that way but it’s true, I am getting older and have been celibate for 18 years this coming July 23rd.
So they want to know if you can be happy, older and not pursuing or in a gay relationship. Wade (not his real name) writes in part:
Are you happy? I know your probably thinking ‘weirdo’, but I’m not. Basically I’m gay, and I’ve done a lot of gay things, but I’ve never been in a long term relationship. I’ve had one fairly short and quite a few anonymous relationships but never anything deep.
At the moment my biggest struggle is debating in my brain whether its really worth giving up the possibility of a loving relationship to obey God when he doesnt really seem to care what I do. By that I mean that when I really do try, God doesn’t seem to respond in any positive way.
I simply cant imagine myself at 50, a single, lonely man who lives in a big rambling house by himself. I sooo badly want someone to show me some proper love.
So I hope you dont mind me asking, but is it really worth it? Are you happier now than when you were gay?
I answered Wade, who is not a weirdo 
, and edited that answer to put here in this blog post.
I am currently writing a book exploring all of this and more. I can’t give you the quality attention necessary to address all the points you brought up in a simple Facebook message but here goes.
God absolutely does care because He loves you thoroughly. We bear His image in our ability to know and be known. Especially in loving and being loved. That is hugely important to Him and why the Scriptures show that He is “jealous” for our affections. Love is the most important investment we can make. Love is the highest treasure so often minimized or taken for granted.
The Scriptures and His Spirit aren’t passive, they are living. I have zero doubt that God loves you and wants the very best for you. The scriptures are full of that message and perhaps if you aren’t “feeling” His benevolent presence in your life, rely on the scriptures, God’s word (especially the New Testament, The Gospel of John comes to mind), to breath life into you. I will pray that your prayer life will continue to strengthen and that you will know His Presence more deeply and fully.
I’d appreciate the same prayer. I don’t think we would ever need to stop praying for that this side of heaven.
I can’t imagine myself at 50 either! But when I was 24, EIGHTEEN years ago
As a matter of fact, if I had know that at 24 my brain might have exploded.
But let me ask you this, even if you are gay … is it possible to be alone … and gay … at 50? Is it possible to be with a partner but still lonely or miserable at 50? In fact, is it possible neither of us could make it to fifty? OR live to 100 and have a blissful life?
The point is … “what if” games don’t work. They don’t work because we often project our idealistic and oftentimes unrealistic expectations into the future and then blame whatever we don’t like for threatening to rob us of that future. Or, we tend to project our worst fears on to the future and allow current feelings to breed despair and discouragement.
Nobody knows the future. Eternity is an ever-present state of now and it is so hard to turn away from self-sufficiency in order to live by faith in the “now” of life. I think it is biblical to allow our past to inform the context of our present and have hope and goals for the future. But all of that comes together right here, right now … today. Hope for the future is a great thing and inspires us but that hope is found in our persevering today.
5 a Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, b we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering g produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and h hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love i has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Of course I am lonely sometimes. But I am also happy sometimes. Like every other human on the planet, I experience the full range of our God given emotions. I have really fun, smart and caring friends. I have mean not emotionally available grumpy type of friends too
I also don’t envy my married friends anymore. I enjoy being “Mr. Randy” or “Uncle Silly” to kids all across North America. My relational needs for friends, family and intergenerational blessing the young and from the old(er) are met and being met abundantly. When I turn my focus outward to selflessly investing/serving others for their good … not my need … interestingly my needs get met. It’s a spiritual paradox (losing our lives to live for Christ) that never fails.
When I am inwardly focussed on others meeting my needs for me, or what I think is the best for my life … it gets out of balance quick. My expectations may start to get skewed. God will meet our needs His way. His way calls for worship, selfless sacrifice, loving Him with our heart, mind and soul and loving others as ourselves. You can do all of that for the eternal good regardless of being married or single.
The question, for me, isn’t really about whether I am “happy” or not. The question is whether I am content in Christ regardless of circumstance.
10 I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity. 11 Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be a content. 12 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
And, yes , I am content in Him, most of the time, regardless of circumstance. Even when I am not content, His comfort is amazing, His love is ever-present. I enjoy a spiritual intimacy with Him that I never would have had otherwise.
The Lord doesn’t promise us Happiness. He doesn’t say “follow me and be happy.” He simply says “Follow Me.” Happiness is only one of many fleeting emotions that we all will have regardless. Contentment is also sometimes fleeting, but in life it can be a consistent state of being if we are found in Christ. He wants us to have a vibrant relationship with Him and walking in mature obedience to what we know to be true.
I have learned that I can be angry and yet still content. I can be alone but I don’t have to be lonely. Jesus is The Prince of Peace. In that peace I can find contentment regardless of circumstance or emotion.
The reason it is hard to see the future today is because it isn’t meant to be seen in detail. As the scriptures state, “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. … the heart of a man may plans his way but the Lord establishes his steps.”
My opinions are offered humbly, take what I have offered here and decide what to do with it. Ultimately you have to make the decisions for yourself. As for my life, it is given to Christ and I don’t regret it. Regardless of whatever you decide, I am glad we are facebook friends and where I can be an unconditional friend to you I will be.
I will be praying for Wade to receive encouragement and joy from God that he knows is from God and God alone. That he will meet the Holy Spirit who never fails to accept an invitation to commune with the honest heart.
About Randy Thomas
Beautifully written and expressed. Such truth here. I just turned 55 and I’m content single and celibate. I’ve learned that trusting God in and for our current circumstances is essential or we’ll enter the next phase of our lives, whatever that might be, having learned a questioning discontented way of living. So, if marriage would be next, I may be questioning if I said “yes” to the right guy. I wouldn’t have faith and this would end up harming my relationship and the one I love. Make sense? Obedience now is essential. The joy that results will be attractive.
It does make sense. Thanks for your encouragement and excellent comment. I especially like “The joy that results will be attractive.”
Beautifully written and expressed. Such truth here. I just turned 55 and I’m content single and celibate. I’ve learned that trusting God in and for our current circumstances is essential or we’ll enter the next phase of our lives, whatever that might be, having learned a questioning discontented way of living. So, if marriage would be next, I may be questioning if I said “yes” to the right guy. I wouldn’t have faith and this would end up harming my relationship and the one I love. Make sense? Obedience now is essential. The joy that results will be attractive.
It does make sense. Thanks for your encouragement and excellent comment. I especially like “The joy that results will be attractive.”
Randy, I think this may be about the bestest thing I’ve ever known you to write. Infused with truth, as Kathy said. This better be in your book.
Wow, muchas gracias! I really appreciate that.
Randy, I think this may be about the bestest thing I’ve ever known you to write. Infused with truth, as Kathy said. This better be in your book.
Wow, muchas gracias! I really appreciate that.
Very well written……and I enjoyed reading it. Here is a thought for you and any readers….. it comes from one of my favorite books, called “Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas….. I am going to add something to one of his phrases….. so here goes
WHAT IF GOD DIDN’T INTEND YOUR LIFE TO BE HAPPY….BUT HE INTENDED IT TO BE HOLY……
That is actually his subtitle to the book Sacred Marriage and he says “What if God didn’t intend for you to be happy in your marriage but to be holy” And I say what if that is WHAT LIFE IS REALLY ABOUT…..
None of us can maintain happiness our whole life…..but since when did that become THE goal? There is an AWESOME PEACE that comes from a LIFE FOCUSED ON CHRIST AND PLEASING HIM….
There IS a joy and peace that surpasses all understanding…..when we make holiness are goal and not happiness….
HAVE A GREAT DAY!
Love that book
I agree wholeheartedly. Reminds me of a quote by Chuck Swindoll – “God is more concerned with our character than our comfort.” This life is but a mist compared with eternity. Let’s live it as if it is just temporary. We are just passing through. This world is not our home. Hang in there, fellow travelers. We are not home yet – Stephen Curtis Chapman has a great song about this.
We are never alone, but feeling alone is sometimes irrelevant to our actual circumstances. We can feel alone in a crowded room. Aloneness is a state of the heart.
We are made for fellowship, communication, and love. We are wired for it. And it is a basic human need. Even Maslow’s hierarchy suggests this. I believe the church is God’s way of meeting that need. Affection doesn’t have to be sexual. God has promised to meet all our needs. I wonder if some of my friends who have SSA are willing to let God meet their need for intimacy, etc. in a way that may not seem appealing to them at first, because of abuse they have endured, or vows they made at a young and tender age. If we will trust God, He will provide for us. I know of people who refuse God’s provision, because it is not what they think they need. If we will trust that His ways are not our ways, but they work, we will see the “salvation of the Lord” in our lives. We are in good hands with Him. He loves us!
ahhhhhhhhhhhh….. Don’t get me started on Chuck Swindoll…………he is MY FAVORITE all-time pastor…..
I like your responses Kirsten….because you understand what I was trying to say!
Have a great day!
Kristi
Very well written……and I enjoyed reading it. Here is a thought for you and any readers….. it comes from one of my favorite books, called “Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas….. I am going to add something to one of his phrases….. so here goes
WHAT IF GOD DIDN’T INTEND YOUR LIFE TO BE HAPPY….BUT HE INTENDED IT TO BE HOLY……
That is actually his subtitle to the book Sacred Marriage and he says “What if God didn’t intend for you to be happy in your marriage but to be holy” And I say what if that is WHAT LIFE IS REALLY ABOUT…..
None of us can maintain happiness our whole life…..but since when did that become THE goal? There is an AWESOME PEACE that comes from a LIFE FOCUSED ON CHRIST AND PLEASING HIM….
There IS a joy and peace that surpasses all understanding…..when we make holiness are goal and not happiness….
HAVE A GREAT DAY!
Love that book
I agree wholeheartedly. Reminds me of a quote by Chuck Swindoll – “God is more concerned with our character than our comfort.” This life is but a mist compared with eternity. Let’s live it as if it is just temporary. We are just passing through. This world is not our home. Hang in there, fellow travelers. We are not home yet – Stephen Curtis Chapman has a great song about this.
We are never alone, but feeling alone is sometimes irrelevant to our actual circumstances. We can feel alone in a crowded room. Aloneness is a state of the heart.
We are made for fellowship, communication, and love. We are wired for it. And it is a basic human need. Even Maslow’s hierarchy suggests this. I believe the church is God’s way of meeting that need. Affection doesn’t have to be sexual. God has promised to meet all our needs. I wonder if some of my friends who have SSA are willing to let God meet their need for intimacy, etc. in a way that may not seem appealing to them at first, because of abuse they have endured, or vows they made at a young and tender age. If we will trust God, He will provide for us. I know of people who refuse God’s provision, because it is not what they think they need. If we will trust that His ways are not our ways, but they work, we will see the “salvation of the Lord” in our lives. We are in good hands with Him. He loves us!
ahhhhhhhhhhhh….. Don’t get me started on Chuck Swindoll…………he is MY FAVORITE all-time pastor…..
I like your responses Kirsten….because you understand what I was trying to say!
Have a great day!
Kristi
Isn’t 40 supposed to be the new 20?
Interesting thoughts Randy.
I think being lonely is the number one negative comment I hear from my friends who are gay and living celibate ‘lifestyles.’ I think it is very important that this issue is strongly addressed within organizations like exodus.
Isn’t 40 supposed to be the new 20?
Interesting thoughts Randy.
I think being lonely is the number one negative comment I hear from my friends who are gay and living celibate ‘lifestyles.’ I think it is very important that this issue is strongly addressed within organizations like exodus.
I have a hard time believing that a man and a woman, if they undertake marriage in light of God’s promises and admonitions, will not find an abundance of happiness/contentment/joy in that marriage, as well as hardship, sorrow and all that life entails for everyone on this fallen planet. Marriage is sacred and is a metaphor for Christ’s relationship with his Church. Problem is, we don’t do it right. Even in spite of that, God can heal and establish us anew. I am a living, breathing example of one who did it about as wrong as wrong could be, but by the grace of God, found my way to the marriage garden with my husband. Statistically, I should be a broken wreck on the trash heap of life. But with God, those “facts” don’t count. Loving someone more than yourself, with God at the center of it, cannot fail if the object of your love is doing the same. Christ in us.
I also happen to believe that being single can be a holy thing, whether or not it is a lifelong thing. Surely God does allow for “eunuchs for the Kingdom.” Or He may have other plans for such a person. I am not qualified to speak to that, however, as that is not my life. Randy did it eloquently. “How blessed is the man who trusts in You!” (Psalm 84:12)
Debbie….
I agree on what you wrote….let me explain what I said better, because some how I think you disagree with what I wrote?
I married at age 22 to a believer. We spent the first 7 years of our lives together under a lot of strain and unhappiness. My God believing husband focused on playing sports and living how he wanted. I was unhappy and very lonely and sad. The life changing moment for me was reading Gary Thomas’s book. When I was able to get my eyes OFF MYSELF…and realize that GOD NEVER PROMISED ME HAPPINESS, HE ONLY PROMISED ME HE WOULD ALWAYS BE WITH ME. I was still in the “Never signed up for this stage!” Then after I read Gary’s book I took my eyes off of what my husband was doing wrong and worked on ME AND MY RELATIONSHIP with Christ.
Regardless of anything my husband was going to do or not do, I was going to walk with the Lord.
We have been married 22 years now. And the last 9 we have been in full-time ministry in our church as my husband is the youth minister at our church. God can do miracles…..
I think being lonely can happen to anyone….and I don’t want to take lightly how lonely anyone can be. My point was just to say that when we put our focus on Christ, and what he has for our lives, it helps put it into to perspective…..
I, personally, would have to change my focus…..WHAT CAN I DO WITH THIS INTENSE LONLINESS THAT I FEEL? HOW CAN GOD USE THIS TO HELP SOMEONE ELSE? IS THERE SOMETHING I AM UNIQUELY QUALIFIED TO HELP WITH?
So I guess in short, my thoughts are meant towards perspective…. if I focus on BEING HAPPY…. or do I focus on what God wants for my life…. sometimes those are not the same thing…..sometimes it comes in the form of obedience……
I was obedient to my commitment to our marriage and my God….regardless of my feelings…
And I pray the next time a test comes that God will still find me faithful….because I love him!
Hey, Kristi. You have a lot packed into that comment. I know well the premise that God doesn’t promise us happiness or smooth sailing. He promises just the opposite, in fact. “In the world, you will have tribulation” (John 16:33). Then there’s the “but.” Christ has overcome the world.
I have been intimately acquainted with the zenith of loneliness and sorrow. I suffered from major (life or death) depression for a decade, while married and for a while with two young children. God had to teach me a lot of deep lessons during that period in my life. I do believe He had a purpose for my suffering. It was essential for my growth and learning how to rely on Him. All suffering has a purpose, even if it’s self-inflicted.
Loneliness is a strange beast. I think Satan uses it quite effectively to isolate us from one another and from God. And marriage is equally confounding. It’s mystical. “Godly” men and women marry and yet are unhappy. Why? That’s a deep, deep well from a theological standpoint. The short response to that, I suppose, is that we are dual-natured.
For the umpteenth time, I am going to recommend a book to those who struggle with inexplicable unhappiness (that is not godly sorrow or related to a temporary situation) and relational problems: Robert McGee’s “The Search for Significance.” It’s simply one of the best out there for this stuff. I’ve used it extensively in recovery ministry, including a group for SSA women.
We aren’t to focus on being happy. Righto. “To obey is better than sacrifice.” Obedience actually brings a joy all its own. It gets us ready for the next thing. And I have learned to face life with a glorious optimism, in wonderment about what God is going to do. I prefer that to worrying about what the Enemy is going to try. I have gone from abject darkness and fear to constant hope and that engenders both joy in my relationship with Christ and an easy contentment in my life and relationship with my husband. Christ lights my fire in one way, and my husband in another. And it’s all holy.
If a person is consistently unhappy or depressed in a relationship, something is wrong. Yes, God uses troubling circumstances to deepen our faith, but He does not mean to keep us “under our circumstances” for the duration of our lives. The other book I highly recommend is Oswald Chambers’ “My Utmost for His Highest.” He covers some deep stuff for the believer.
And Krisiti, you do not make it clear (to me) just how you view your marriage at this point in your life. It almost sounds to me as if you have come to accept that a marriage that is unhappy to some degree is OK for you, that God has given you that kind of grace. I hope I am reading that wrong. That sounds to me more like the arc of someone who married “unequally yoked” (maybe unaware of it) and later chose to take Scriptural teaching on that to heart. An admirable thing.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm….. I guess I thought that where I said where we are at now, said it all…..
So here is how I view my marriage now: After 22 years of marriage I love my husband more then ever and am amazed how far God has brought us, when I said “God can do miracles” that is what I meant.
I in no way have been trying to say that “marriage is unhappy and to some degree that is okay for you.” I was simply talking about the book by Gary Thomas and the MYTH that is so prevelant today that we are suppose to have all roses and sunshine or something is wrong and we look elsewhere.
I will let the rest of what I said speak for itself in that I believe God intends our lives to be holy…..the joy and contentment I have in my life comes from a life lived with that perspective….
I’m glad you clarified that, Kristi. Thanks.
I have a hard time believing that a man and a woman, if they undertake marriage in light of God’s promises and admonitions, will not find an abundance of happiness/contentment/joy in that marriage, as well as hardship, sorrow and all that life entails for everyone on this fallen planet. Marriage is sacred and is a metaphor for Christ’s relationship with his Church. Problem is, we don’t do it right. Even in spite of that, God can heal and establish us anew. I am a living, breathing example of one who did it about as wrong as wrong could be, but by the grace of God, found my way to the marriage garden with my husband. Statistically, I should be a broken wreck on the trash heap of life. But with God, those “facts” don’t count. Loving someone more than yourself, with God at the center of it, cannot fail if the object of your love is doing the same. Christ in us.
I also happen to believe that being single can be a holy thing, whether or not it is a lifelong thing. Surely God does allow for “eunuchs for the Kingdom.” Or He may have other plans for such a person. I am not qualified to speak to that, however, as that is not my life. Randy did it eloquently. “How blessed is the man who trusts in You!” (Psalm 84:12)
Debbie….
I agree on what you wrote….let me explain what I said better, because some how I think you disagree with what I wrote?
I married at age 22 to a believer. We spent the first 7 years of our lives together under a lot of strain and unhappiness. My God believing husband focused on playing sports and living how he wanted. I was unhappy and very lonely and sad. The life changing moment for me was reading Gary Thomas’s book. When I was able to get my eyes OFF MYSELF…and realize that GOD NEVER PROMISED ME HAPPINESS, HE ONLY PROMISED ME HE WOULD ALWAYS BE WITH ME. I was still in the “Never signed up for this stage!” Then after I read Gary’s book I took my eyes off of what my husband was doing wrong and worked on ME AND MY RELATIONSHIP with Christ.
Regardless of anything my husband was going to do or not do, I was going to walk with the Lord.
We have been married 22 years now. And the last 9 we have been in full-time ministry in our church as my husband is the youth minister at our church. God can do miracles…..
I think being lonely can happen to anyone….and I don’t want to take lightly how lonely anyone can be. My point was just to say that when we put our focus on Christ, and what he has for our lives, it helps put it into to perspective…..
I, personally, would have to change my focus…..WHAT CAN I DO WITH THIS INTENSE LONLINESS THAT I FEEL? HOW CAN GOD USE THIS TO HELP SOMEONE ELSE? IS THERE SOMETHING I AM UNIQUELY QUALIFIED TO HELP WITH?
So I guess in short, my thoughts are meant towards perspective…. if I focus on BEING HAPPY…. or do I focus on what God wants for my life…. sometimes those are not the same thing…..sometimes it comes in the form of obedience……
I was obedient to my commitment to our marriage and my God….regardless of my feelings…
And I pray the next time a test comes that God will still find me faithful….because I love him!
Hey, Kristi. You have a lot packed into that comment. I know well the premise that God doesn’t promise us happiness or smooth sailing. He promises just the opposite, in fact. “In the world, you will have tribulation” (John 16:33). Then there’s the “but.” Christ has overcome the world.
I have been intimately acquainted with the zenith of loneliness and sorrow. I suffered from major (life or death) depression for a decade, while married and for a while with two young children. God had to teach me a lot of deep lessons during that period in my life. I do believe He had a purpose for my suffering. It was essential for my growth and learning how to rely on Him. All suffering has a purpose, even if it’s self-inflicted.
Loneliness is a strange beast. I think Satan uses it quite effectively to isolate us from one another and from God. And marriage is equally confounding. It’s mystical. “Godly” men and women marry and yet are unhappy. Why? That’s a deep, deep well from a theological standpoint. The short response to that, I suppose, is that we are dual-natured.
For the umpteenth time, I am going to recommend a book to those who struggle with inexplicable unhappiness (that is not godly sorrow or related to a temporary situation) and relational problems: Robert McGee’s “The Search for Significance.” It’s simply one of the best out there for this stuff. I’ve used it extensively in recovery ministry, including a group for SSA women.
We aren’t to focus on being happy. Righto. “To obey is better than sacrifice.” Obedience actually brings a joy all its own. It gets us ready for the next thing. And I have learned to face life with a glorious optimism, in wonderment about what God is going to do. I prefer that to worrying about what the Enemy is going to try. I have gone from abject darkness and fear to constant hope and that engenders both joy in my relationship with Christ and an easy contentment in my life and relationship with my husband. Christ lights my fire in one way, and my husband in another. And it’s all holy.
If a person is consistently unhappy or depressed in a relationship, something is wrong. Yes, God uses troubling circumstances to deepen our faith, but He does not mean to keep us “under our circumstances” for the duration of our lives. The other book I highly recommend is Oswald Chambers’ “My Utmost for His Highest.” He covers some deep stuff for the believer.
And Krisiti, you do not make it clear (to me) just how you view your marriage at this point in your life. It almost sounds to me as if you have come to accept that a marriage that is unhappy to some degree is OK for you, that God has given you that kind of grace. I hope I am reading that wrong. That sounds to me more like the arc of someone who married “unequally yoked” (maybe unaware of it) and later chose to take Scriptural teaching on that to heart. An admirable thing.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm….. I guess I thought that where I said where we are at now, said it all…..
So here is how I view my marriage now: After 22 years of marriage I love my husband more then ever and am amazed how far God has brought us, when I said “God can do miracles” that is what I meant.
I in no way have been trying to say that “marriage is unhappy and to some degree that is okay for you.” I was simply talking about the book by Gary Thomas and the MYTH that is so prevelant today that we are suppose to have all roses and sunshine or something is wrong and we look elsewhere.
I will let the rest of what I said speak for itself in that I believe God intends our lives to be holy…..the joy and contentment I have in my life comes from a life lived with that perspective….
I’m glad you clarified that, Kristi. Thanks.
I want to echo the praise for this blog entry, Randy. Very well said.
The funny thing is, I remember being a twenty-something sitting in a gay bar in Cupertino, California and feeling EXTREMELY lonely, even though I knew wouldn’t go home alone that night. I prayed that God would get me out of that life and that loneliness. That was more than 35 years ago and God more than answered that prayer.
In contrast, I recently heard about a man I looked up to as a youth. He was 18 and I was 12. I thought he was the greatest guy I knew, even though back then I didn’t know he was gay. He moved to NYC and had what many would think is a glamorous life. I’ve kept tabs on him down through the years through his cousin, a close friend of mine. That guy I so admired is now a very broken, lonely, and alcoholic old man. He’s become a tragedy.
I know not all who choose to live according to their sexual attractions end up like that. I’m sure many do find contented lives. But I also know I would not have been one of them. My life now, as a Christian man, husband, father, and grandfather has given me far more than I could have imagined my life to have been.
Whatever you choose, choose wisely. You have only this one life.
Nathan, I am glad you realize that many people who are gay do not “end up like that.” I have knee-jerk reaction of sorts when people insinuate that being gay includes partying, random sex, drugs, night clubs, etc. I’m 20, and to me “partying” consists of staying up till midnight watching HGTV with my bf, maybe eating a cookie and then going to bed. I guess I just don’t understand why you feel like that was not possible for you? Whatever the case, you seem to be very content and I’m glad for that.
Shawn, I wasn’t insinuating that being gay necessarily means partying, random sex, and so on. I just meant that during that time in my life it was also the time when I was at my lonliest. My point was simply to reply to Wade who had said to Randy:
“I simply cant imagine myself at 50, a single, lonely man who lives in a big rambling house by himself. I sooo badly want someone to show me some proper love. So I hope you dont mind me asking, but is it really worth it? Are you happier now than when you were gay?”
I was simply trying to say that even if he pursues a longterm relationship, he may still wind up alone and unhappy. I think the thing that most of us who turn to Christ have discovered is that–for us at least–the idea of an idyllic life does not revolve around finding the right longterm same-sex partner. It was a fantasy that, in my mind, was not a realistic option. I discovered no man could be to me what I really needed. God alone could meet that need….for me.
As for HGTV, ack! That, too, is not part of my fantasy life.
Be blessed, Shawn.
I know you weren’t saying that silly, that’s why I started off saying what I said
I also know a few people in relationships/marriages who are unhappy (straight and gay). I think that just means you’re in an unhealthy relationship if you’re feeling lonely all the time WHILE you’re in a relationship. Relationships are very hard work, but if you’re unhappy it’s best to end it and move on. I am glad you found that YOU need , and thanks for responding to my question.
Thanks Nathan. I appreciate you sharing part of your story. I have had similar situations with friends I have found through facebook. Doesn’t change my love or friendship with them (at all.) It has increased my prayer life though.
I want to echo the praise for this blog entry, Randy. Very well said.
The funny thing is, I remember being a twenty-something sitting in a gay bar in Cupertino, California and feeling EXTREMELY lonely, even though I knew wouldn’t go home alone that night. I prayed that God would get me out of that life and that loneliness. That was more than 35 years ago and God more than answered that prayer.
In contrast, I recently heard about a man I looked up to as a youth. He was 18 and I was 12. I thought he was the greatest guy I knew, even though back then I didn’t know he was gay. He moved to NYC and had what many would think is a glamorous life. I’ve kept tabs on him down through the years through his cousin, a close friend of mine. That guy I so admired is now a very broken, lonely, and alcoholic old man. He’s become a tragedy.
I know not all who choose to live according to their sexual attractions end up like that. I’m sure many do find contented lives. But I also know I would not have been one of them. My life now, as a Christian man, husband, father, and grandfather has given me far more than I could have imagined my life to have been.
Whatever you choose, choose wisely. You have only this one life.
Nathan, I am glad you realize that many people who are gay do not “end up like that.” I have knee-jerk reaction of sorts when people insinuate that being gay includes partying, random sex, drugs, night clubs, etc. I’m 20, and to me “partying” consists of staying up till midnight watching HGTV with my bf, maybe eating a cookie and then going to bed. I guess I just don’t understand why you feel like that was not possible for you? Whatever the case, you seem to be very content and I’m glad for that.
Shawn, I wasn’t insinuating that being gay necessarily means partying, random sex, and so on. I just meant that during that time in my life it was also the time when I was at my lonliest. My point was simply to reply to Wade who had said to Randy:
“I simply cant imagine myself at 50, a single, lonely man who lives in a big rambling house by himself. I sooo badly want someone to show me some proper love. So I hope you dont mind me asking, but is it really worth it? Are you happier now than when you were gay?”
I was simply trying to say that even if he pursues a longterm relationship, he may still wind up alone and unhappy. I think the thing that most of us who turn to Christ have discovered is that–for us at least–the idea of an idyllic life does not revolve around finding the right longterm same-sex partner. It was a fantasy that, in my mind, was not a realistic option. I discovered no man could be to me what I really needed. God alone could meet that need….for me.
As for HGTV, ack! That, too, is not part of my fantasy life.
Be blessed, Shawn.
I know you weren’t saying that silly, that’s why I started off saying what I said
I also know a few people in relationships/marriages who are unhappy (straight and gay). I think that just means you’re in an unhealthy relationship if you’re feeling lonely all the time WHILE you’re in a relationship. Relationships are very hard work, but if you’re unhappy it’s best to end it and move on. I am glad you found that YOU need , and thanks for responding to my question.
Thanks Nathan. I appreciate you sharing part of your story. I have had similar situations with friends I have found through facebook. Doesn’t change my love or friendship with them (at all.) It has increased my prayer life though.
How much happier would you be if you weren’t wasting your life following a book of fables and myths written down 2,000 years ago?
If it were a book of fables and myths I wouldn’t be happy at all. To me, the scriptures are alive and my relationship with God is of primary importance. I believe in a God who can create a universe out of nothing… He can certainly handle where I could possibly be wrong and misguided. He, being loving and all, has actually corrected and re-directed me quite a bit.
To date, this is where He has led me and I am content. He will be the one to judge whether my life is wasted or not. Regardless, I believe in the atoning work of Jesus Christ and am only saved by Grace … not by my works.
I personally haven’t read Grimm’s fairy tales in many years!
@Homer, the Bible has been mocked by many great minds. However, those who have sought to disprove it have ultimately found it to be true. C.S. Lewis was an athiest who tried to disprove God and became one of His greatest proponents. He wrote a book titled “Mere Christianity” which I highly recommend, and there are many others. Greek mythology has many similarities to Biblical stories, so I can see why they seem like fairy tales. Some are rather unbelievable, if we see things in the “natural”. But the Bible says that spiritual things are not understood by a carnal mind. We need to be born again to understand it. And we receive some things by faith until greater understanding can be reached through study and life experiences. This is where wisdom comes in. The wisdom of God boggles the intellectual mind because God likes to confound the wise. So, if you are wise in your own eyes, you might miss much of what the Bible teaches. It is simple. It is to be taken by faith, like a child. Don’t be so cynical you miss the obvious. God loves you. He wants to be with you forever. He has made a way for that to happen. Accept it and live. Reject it, and die. He is reaching out to you. Will you take His hand? He has made a way for you. Walk in it and find life that is truly worth living. He is waiting. Just click on my name and I’ll be glad to carry on this conversation with you further
Love in Christ, Kristen
How much happier would you be if you weren’t wasting your life following a book of fables and myths written down 2,000 years ago?
If it were a book of fables and myths I wouldn’t be happy at all. To me, the scriptures are alive and my relationship with God is of primary importance. I believe in a God who can create a universe out of nothing… He can certainly handle where I could possibly be wrong and misguided. He, being loving and all, has actually corrected and re-directed me quite a bit.
To date, this is where He has led me and I am content. He will be the one to judge whether my life is wasted or not. Regardless, I believe in the atoning work of Jesus Christ and am only saved by Grace … not by my works.
I personally haven’t read Grimm’s fairy tales in many years!
@Homer, the Bible has been mocked by many great minds. However, those who have sought to disprove it have ultimately found it to be true. C.S. Lewis was an athiest who tried to disprove God and became one of His greatest proponents. He wrote a book titled “Mere Christianity” which I highly recommend, and there are many others. Greek mythology has many similarities to Biblical stories, so I can see why they seem like fairy tales. Some are rather unbelievable, if we see things in the “natural”. But the Bible says that spiritual things are not understood by a carnal mind. We need to be born again to understand it. And we receive some things by faith until greater understanding can be reached through study and life experiences. This is where wisdom comes in. The wisdom of God boggles the intellectual mind because God likes to confound the wise. So, if you are wise in your own eyes, you might miss much of what the Bible teaches. It is simple. It is to be taken by faith, like a child. Don’t be so cynical you miss the obvious. God loves you. He wants to be with you forever. He has made a way for that to happen. Accept it and live. Reject it, and die. He is reaching out to you. Will you take His hand? He has made a way for you. Walk in it and find life that is truly worth living. He is waiting. Just click on my name and I’ll be glad to carry on this conversation with you further
Love in Christ, Kristen
I have to truly ask a question – why do you refer to youself as ex-gay. If you are celibate – then you are not having sex. Plain and simple. It is clear.
If you are in a heterosexual relationship – then are you not heterosexual? Even if you had homosexual sex in the past.
Why anyone refers to themself as “ex-gay” make no sense – Is it some special “struggling” purgatory that you decide you want to live in?
If you are gay or straight or delibate – you can still be alon or in a relationship. It is your choice to be happy or not.
Being alone is perfectly alright, alot of people enjoy being alone.
Being lonely is a state of mind. You could be in a cowded room full of people and still be alone and lonely.
What you need to ask yourself is what to I expect from a relationship:
Companionship
Commaradearee
Sex
Intamacy
Freindship
Drama
Entertainment
If you are expecting for someone to make you happy – it wont ever happen. Only you can make yourself happy.
If you want to share yourlife with someone you need to put yourself out there, you need to talk about what you want and need from a relationship – people are not mind readers.
I have known too many “needy” people who have said – why am I alone, or lonely – yet they nevre make the first move to reachout to another human being on any level.
Yes – there are those extremely shy individuals – but there are other outlets – Social media being one of them.
I personally don’t refer to myself as ex-gay. Some do (like the previous post) and that’s their prerogative. I don’t. If anything I say I am a on a Christian post-gay journey. I don’t personally identify by sexual labels. Thank you for your comment.
I have to truly ask a question – why do you refer to youself as ex-gay. If you are celibate – then you are not having sex. Plain and simple. It is clear.
If you are in a heterosexual relationship – then are you not heterosexual? Even if you had homosexual sex in the past.
Why anyone refers to themself as “ex-gay” make no sense – Is it some special “struggling” purgatory that you decide you want to live in?
If you are gay or straight or delibate – you can still be alon or in a relationship. It is your choice to be happy or not.
Being alone is perfectly alright, alot of people enjoy being alone.
Being lonely is a state of mind. You could be in a cowded room full of people and still be alone and lonely.
What you need to ask yourself is what to I expect from a relationship:
Companionship
Commaradearee
Sex
Intamacy
Freindship
Drama
Entertainment
If you are expecting for someone to make you happy – it wont ever happen. Only you can make yourself happy.
If you want to share yourlife with someone you need to put yourself out there, you need to talk about what you want and need from a relationship – people are not mind readers.
I have known too many “needy” people who have said – why am I alone, or lonely – yet they nevre make the first move to reachout to another human being on any level.
Yes – there are those extremely shy individuals – but there are other outlets – Social media being one of them.
I personally don’t refer to myself as ex-gay. Some do (like the previous post) and that’s their prerogative. I don’t. If anything I say I am a on a Christian post-gay journey. I don’t personally identify by sexual labels. Thank you for your comment.
Hello! I’m going to add my UK Sterling 2pence worth = $6000…
Singleness and celibacy as a state of being, lifestyle and as a vocation is something I’ve been thinking about for about 3 weeks now in a more focussed way.
You see, my friend from Hungary, Maria, planned to spend 3 months this year in the Taizé Community (totally amazing place run by monks and nuns in France). She facebooked me the week before she left, and asked if she could share a problem. She likes a guy, who she then found out likes her, they are the person of each other’s dreams… Maria’s reason for going to Taizé for three months is to ask God if she should be a wife or a nun. She has still gone to Taizé for this purpose.
WOW!
Now, the idea of becoming a nun, monk or celibate priest is very much active in the consciousness of many countries in Europe, in Africa, South America and Asia. But not in the UK or the USA. Over here, we push relationships, sex and marriage at kids, both in church and in society. Maybe in different ways, but in both church and wider society, we sexualise children, and we don’t give them the CHOICE that singleness and celibacy as a lifestyle is good, positive, healthy and equal to marriage and sex.
Singleness and celibacy as a lifestyle is totally Biblical. OK, first off, Jesus was single and celibate. Who is meant to be our example. St Paul who wrote a lot of the New Testament, the disciples of Jesus, some of the priests and the others who lived and worked in the temples, and then there’s millenia of Judaic history of the same. In the UK, most UK dwellers have forgotten, but in the 1400 years of Celtic Christianity – the first form of Christianity to read the UK – we had nuns, monks, priests, abbots and abboteses all over the place. And some of the early church and saints etc were single and celibate as a lifestyle choice.
Yes, in the UK we don’t teach kids they can be nuns, monks, priests, or be single and celibate and live in a Christian community house, where they go out to work as per a ‘nomal person’ but come home to 5 other single celibate people. That is something I am going to look into. A friend who lives in a community – who is a gay and transgender celibate Christian – has said the communities are everywhere all over the UK. They’re just not advertised in CHURCHES!
At a gay celibates do last year, we had a workshop on singleness etc, and about loneliness etc. I mentioned how I was thinking about the old ladies I had dinner with at my Dad’s Bible college who had dropped in for a few days. They had all been misisonaries in the Indian Jungle, and were talking about cutting through the jungle with their samurai swords etc. We make the Christian life, and the single celibate Christian life, as interesting or as boring as we like.
A gay Christian celibates Bible study I sorta went to for a few months in Scotland, they were all moaning old minnies! One was depressed, old etc, well, they were all old and depressed! But yeah, he lived alone, so I suggested, why not take a lodger? He had a big beautiful old house etc. Nope, he prefers to stick in his situtation rather than change it.
So it’s also the individual’s responsibility.
But True Freedom Trust – the gay celibates org in the UK – one of its mission statements is to foster positive ideas about singleness in the Church. Not everyone will get married – Jesus said that – and we need to deal with people who are single in a positive way, rather than sidelining and forgetting about them/me/us because married people are the only ones who will inherit the Kingdom of God!
Where would the church be today without monks, nuns, saints, priests and abbots and abboteses, most of whom were single and celibate, many of whom were gay… cos what did you do in the Medieval days with a gay child? Parents couldn’t afford to keep them at home, there was no way a single person could have functioned in a society that relied on many people in one household to keep the finances and town functioning as it did, so the parents would send their gay child to the Church.
So we could actually ask; where would the Church be now without celibate gay Christians?
I am so glad that at the age of 14, I had really good teaching on singleness and celibacy as a lifestyle as a gay Christian, and I am now revisiting and considering what I learnt from older single and celibate Christians of all sexual orientations that was pushed out of my mind by friends telling me I was going to get married etc. I am now remembering all that good stuff God planted in my head when I was so young, that I can now maybe start to live out.
Anyways, that’s my recent ponderings and joy… Peace -x-
Hello! I’m going to add my UK Sterling 2pence worth = $6000…
Singleness and celibacy as a state of being, lifestyle and as a vocation is something I’ve been thinking about for about 3 weeks now in a more focussed way.
You see, my friend from Hungary, Maria, planned to spend 3 months this year in the Taizé Community (totally amazing place run by monks and nuns in France). She facebooked me the week before she left, and asked if she could share a problem. She likes a guy, who she then found out likes her, they are the person of each other’s dreams… Maria’s reason for going to Taizé for three months is to ask God if she should be a wife or a nun. She has still gone to Taizé for this purpose.
WOW!
Now, the idea of becoming a nun, monk or celibate priest is very much active in the consciousness of many countries in Europe, in Africa, South America and Asia. But not in the UK or the USA. Over here, we push relationships, sex and marriage at kids, both in church and in society. Maybe in different ways, but in both church and wider society, we sexualise children, and we don’t give them the CHOICE that singleness and celibacy as a lifestyle is good, positive, healthy and equal to marriage and sex.
Singleness and celibacy as a lifestyle is totally Biblical. OK, first off, Jesus was single and celibate. Who is meant to be our example. St Paul who wrote a lot of the New Testament, the disciples of Jesus, some of the priests and the others who lived and worked in the temples, and then there’s millenia of Judaic history of the same. In the UK, most UK dwellers have forgotten, but in the 1400 years of Celtic Christianity – the first form of Christianity to read the UK – we had nuns, monks, priests, abbots and abboteses all over the place. And some of the early church and saints etc were single and celibate as a lifestyle choice.
Yes, in the UK we don’t teach kids they can be nuns, monks, priests, or be single and celibate and live in a Christian community house, where they go out to work as per a ‘nomal person’ but come home to 5 other single celibate people. That is something I am going to look into. A friend who lives in a community – who is a gay and transgender celibate Christian – has said the communities are everywhere all over the UK. They’re just not advertised in CHURCHES!
At a gay celibates do last year, we had a workshop on singleness etc, and about loneliness etc. I mentioned how I was thinking about the old ladies I had dinner with at my Dad’s Bible college who had dropped in for a few days. They had all been misisonaries in the Indian Jungle, and were talking about cutting through the jungle with their samurai swords etc. We make the Christian life, and the single celibate Christian life, as interesting or as boring as we like.
A gay Christian celibates Bible study I sorta went to for a few months in Scotland, they were all moaning old minnies! One was depressed, old etc, well, they were all old and depressed! But yeah, he lived alone, so I suggested, why not take a lodger? He had a big beautiful old house etc. Nope, he prefers to stick in his situtation rather than change it.
So it’s also the individual’s responsibility.
But True Freedom Trust – the gay celibates org in the UK – one of its mission statements is to foster positive ideas about singleness in the Church. Not everyone will get married – Jesus said that – and we need to deal with people who are single in a positive way, rather than sidelining and forgetting about them/me/us because married people are the only ones who will inherit the Kingdom of God!
Where would the church be today without monks, nuns, saints, priests and abbots and abboteses, most of whom were single and celibate, many of whom were gay… cos what did you do in the Medieval days with a gay child? Parents couldn’t afford to keep them at home, there was no way a single person could have functioned in a society that relied on many people in one household to keep the finances and town functioning as it did, so the parents would send their gay child to the Church.
So we could actually ask; where would the Church be now without celibate gay Christians?
I am so glad that at the age of 14, I had really good teaching on singleness and celibacy as a lifestyle as a gay Christian, and I am now revisiting and considering what I learnt from older single and celibate Christians of all sexual orientations that was pushed out of my mind by friends telling me I was going to get married etc. I am now remembering all that good stuff God planted in my head when I was so young, that I can now maybe start to live out.
Anyways, that’s my recent ponderings and joy… Peace -x-
I did the whole “lonely” thing until I was 30. I was in the closet and miserable. I was living a lie. I finally got enough guts to come out. My life changed…it was as if someone took a huge weight off of my chest.
Soon after met my partner. We have been in a monogamous relationship now for 19 years. I am sooo happy..I cannot imagine living my old closeted life.
Thanks for telling about your story. I think it is awful you, and so many of us, were shamed into silence and fear (the closet) and felt you had to live a lie. It does take guts to be honest and accept that one has same sex attractions. It takes courage to then take responsibility for how we live that reality out.
I think it is obvious we have differing views on what to do with regard to same sex sexual relationships (moral, spiritual) but I am glad you don’t have to live in fear and shame. I don’t want you to live in fear and shame. I want you to know Christ. In Him there is no shame or condemnation.
As for “coming out,” I personally questioned myself at 10, accepted being “gay” at 13 … told some of my peers at 16 and told my family at 19. I didn’t live in a closet at all after that. I don’t live in a closet today.
That said, I also refuse to allow fear and shame to have power over me today now that I am not gay. I notice a lot of people are laughing and mocking me because of this post (on other blogs and the comments I am not allowing through.) It’s ok. I got used to that type of derision back when I was gay. It doesn’t bother me anymore but I still find it surprising coming from some sectors in the gay community.
I did the whole “lonely” thing until I was 30. I was in the closet and miserable. I was living a lie. I finally got enough guts to come out. My life changed…it was as if someone took a huge weight off of my chest.
Soon after met my partner. We have been in a monogamous relationship now for 19 years. I am sooo happy..I cannot imagine living my old closeted life.
Thanks for telling about your story. I think it is awful you, and so many of us, were shamed into silence and fear (the closet) and felt you had to live a lie. It does take guts to be honest and accept that one has same sex attractions. It takes courage to then take responsibility for how we live that reality out.
I think it is obvious we have differing views on what to do with regard to same sex sexual relationships (moral, spiritual) but I am glad you don’t have to live in fear and shame. I don’t want you to live in fear and shame. I want you to know Christ. In Him there is no shame or condemnation.
As for “coming out,” I personally questioned myself at 10, accepted being “gay” at 13 … told some of my peers at 16 and told my family at 19. I didn’t live in a closet at all after that. I don’t live in a closet today.
That said, I also refuse to allow fear and shame to have power over me today now that I am not gay. I notice a lot of people are laughing and mocking me because of this post (on other blogs and the comments I am not allowing through.) It’s ok. I got used to that type of derision back when I was gay. It doesn’t bother me anymore but I still find it surprising coming from some sectors in the gay community.
I am sorry to hear others are demeaning and mean……TOWARDS ANYONE…..
I have to wonder then…..if they are truly happy and content in their lifestyle…then why are they spending time even reading or responding and especially being mean?
Could it be that they are not as happy as they say they are? Just wondering…
I am sorry to hear others are demeaning and mean……TOWARDS ANYONE…..
I have to wonder then…..if they are truly happy and content in their lifestyle…then why are they spending time even reading or responding and especially being mean?
Could it be that they are not as happy as they say they are? Just wondering…
Randy-
I could never laugh or mock you! I cannot judge you. Only Randy knows what it is like to be in Randy’s shoes. People that laugh and mock you never lived your life. I would like to see how they would behave if they had grown up in your shoes…
The woman that posted the letter above this one and said the word..”lifestyle”. To me that word is something that we as humans can choose. I CERTAINLY did not “choose” to be gay and neither did you. I truly believe that it is they way we were created. Would I have “chosen” to be gay living in this society? OMG!! NOOOO! It was pretty much AWFUL. I am not saying that being gay is awful..growing up in a society that degrades us and makes fun of us is AWFUL.
To me..a big sin is men (or women) that know they are gay marrying people of the opposite sex just to make it “look right.” A friend of mine did that..the results were disastrous.
I personally think that God sent my partner to me. I was so depressed and unhappy. Dave and I have had a blast! Whether we are on the couch watching our favorite TV programs or on vacation on a beach..it makes no difference.. (sometimes people get all freaked out about the “sexual act”..trust me..we have been together for 19 years..if you were a fly on the wall in our bedroom..here’s the deal..2 men on opposite ends of the bed SNORING!!)
When my Mom died ten years ago my partner Dave held me all night long because I was crying and could not sleep..
So..I will let God judge me..not human beings..that is FOR SURE!
Jim
James, hi again! Hope you and Dave are well, healthy and happy today!
Yep, we all chose our lifestyle, whatever our circumstances are. I was involved in pretty full on combat due to where I lived from the age of 12-20. I’ve seen some nasty things. I could have chosen the lifestyle my friends chose, which was amphetamines and having sex with each other. I chose to not do that (mainly because of my faith). I could have chosen alcohol as many with post-traumatic stress disorder do. I chose not to. Instead, I have chosen to keep on in my faith, and I’ve chosen the world of folk music and green living etc, which is a world where about 1/3 inhabitants are people with PTSD, quite a lot of songs are around PTSD etc. The main festival I go to every year, one of the organisers is a war vet, etc, and it’s a total knees-up, with understanding, where I can openly read my Bible and worship Jesus.
That was the lifestyle choice I made. I did not chose my circumstances, but I chose my lifestyle.
The same with my sexual orientation. I did not chose to be a raging bisexual by orientation for 19 years. However, I chose to not sleep with people. I mean, how messed up would my head have been, sleeping with several men and women per day every day, on top of my mental disorder? I never wanted relationships, it was all about sex for me. Should I have followed my orientation?
No. All through my life, growing up listening to REM and other bisexual artists/bands, reading bisexual books and research, having bisexual friends, I was so glad all the way through I’d never followed what my feelings were telling me to. Hearing Michael Stipe sing about messing up people’s marriages, messing himself up etc, that’s not what I wanted. Watching the L Word and seeing how the characters treat each other and the morals (lack of), it all makes me so grateful I’ve lived how I’ve lived.
I love the intelligence, gentleness, creativity, compassion and work that bisexual people tend to do – just as people with dwarfism tend to be teachers or run their own business – which is why most of my friends are celibate bisexual Christians – apart from the ones married to people of the opposite sex.
I was a street-fighter at the age of 12, and a savage one at that. I chose to keep going to school every day, no matter how dangerous the jouney to school way, I chose to do my homework, I chose to pass school, college and go to university, I chose to make good, honest friends – Christian and non-Christian – who were good for me, I chose to speak properly, I chose to work hard and get a good job, I chose to travel, I chose to lift myself out of what my circumstances could have dictated. Most people would never know my background just from meeting me. People normally think I’ve had a very middle-class, privileged life!
Now, I’m working in the first place of its kind in the UK which is closely linked to the government, I have friends around the world, I have some famous friends – wohoo! – I am a published author, I am mentally stable most of the time… I have a good life, and I’m so thankful for every second of it.
The other week, I was town pastoring – Christians who volunteer to walk through town at night at the weekends to check everyone is safe – and a guy who had murdered quite a lot of people, fighting where he used to live, spoke with me. He is drinking himself to death with remorse. He is a Christian, but thinks God can never forgive him. So straight away, I reminded him of the Prophet Elijah who had murdered quite a few people, and God told him He’s still got loadsa stuff for Elijah to do; there is forgiveness and a future with God, no matter what.
Many of us don’t choose our circumstances, but we can choose what we do with them.
Peace and blessings -x-
Randy-
I could never laugh or mock you! I cannot judge you. Only Randy knows what it is like to be in Randy’s shoes. People that laugh and mock you never lived your life. I would like to see how they would behave if they had grown up in your shoes…
The woman that posted the letter above this one and said the word..”lifestyle”. To me that word is something that we as humans can choose. I CERTAINLY did not “choose” to be gay and neither did you. I truly believe that it is they way we were created. Would I have “chosen” to be gay living in this society? OMG!! NOOOO! It was pretty much AWFUL. I am not saying that being gay is awful..growing up in a society that degrades us and makes fun of us is AWFUL.
To me..a big sin is men (or women) that know they are gay marrying people of the opposite sex just to make it “look right.” A friend of mine did that..the results were disastrous.
I personally think that God sent my partner to me. I was so depressed and unhappy. Dave and I have had a blast! Whether we are on the couch watching our favorite TV programs or on vacation on a beach..it makes no difference.. (sometimes people get all freaked out about the “sexual act”..trust me..we have been together for 19 years..if you were a fly on the wall in our bedroom..here’s the deal..2 men on opposite ends of the bed SNORING!!)
When my Mom died ten years ago my partner Dave held me all night long because I was crying and could not sleep..
So..I will let God judge me..not human beings..that is FOR SURE!
Jim
James, hi again! Hope you and Dave are well, healthy and happy today!
Yep, we all chose our lifestyle, whatever our circumstances are. I was involved in pretty full on combat due to where I lived from the age of 12-20. I’ve seen some nasty things. I could have chosen the lifestyle my friends chose, which was amphetamines and having sex with each other. I chose to not do that (mainly because of my faith). I could have chosen alcohol as many with post-traumatic stress disorder do. I chose not to. Instead, I have chosen to keep on in my faith, and I’ve chosen the world of folk music and green living etc, which is a world where about 1/3 inhabitants are people with PTSD, quite a lot of songs are around PTSD etc. The main festival I go to every year, one of the organisers is a war vet, etc, and it’s a total knees-up, with understanding, where I can openly read my Bible and worship Jesus.
That was the lifestyle choice I made. I did not chose my circumstances, but I chose my lifestyle.
The same with my sexual orientation. I did not chose to be a raging bisexual by orientation for 19 years. However, I chose to not sleep with people. I mean, how messed up would my head have been, sleeping with several men and women per day every day, on top of my mental disorder? I never wanted relationships, it was all about sex for me. Should I have followed my orientation?
No. All through my life, growing up listening to REM and other bisexual artists/bands, reading bisexual books and research, having bisexual friends, I was so glad all the way through I’d never followed what my feelings were telling me to. Hearing Michael Stipe sing about messing up people’s marriages, messing himself up etc, that’s not what I wanted. Watching the L Word and seeing how the characters treat each other and the morals (lack of), it all makes me so grateful I’ve lived how I’ve lived.
I love the intelligence, gentleness, creativity, compassion and work that bisexual people tend to do – just as people with dwarfism tend to be teachers or run their own business – which is why most of my friends are celibate bisexual Christians – apart from the ones married to people of the opposite sex.
I was a street-fighter at the age of 12, and a savage one at that. I chose to keep going to school every day, no matter how dangerous the jouney to school way, I chose to do my homework, I chose to pass school, college and go to university, I chose to make good, honest friends – Christian and non-Christian – who were good for me, I chose to speak properly, I chose to work hard and get a good job, I chose to travel, I chose to lift myself out of what my circumstances could have dictated. Most people would never know my background just from meeting me. People normally think I’ve had a very middle-class, privileged life!
Now, I’m working in the first place of its kind in the UK which is closely linked to the government, I have friends around the world, I have some famous friends – wohoo! – I am a published author, I am mentally stable most of the time… I have a good life, and I’m so thankful for every second of it.
The other week, I was town pastoring – Christians who volunteer to walk through town at night at the weekends to check everyone is safe – and a guy who had murdered quite a lot of people, fighting where he used to live, spoke with me. He is drinking himself to death with remorse. He is a Christian, but thinks God can never forgive him. So straight away, I reminded him of the Prophet Elijah who had murdered quite a few people, and God told him He’s still got loadsa stuff for Elijah to do; there is forgiveness and a future with God, no matter what.
Many of us don’t choose our circumstances, but we can choose what we do with them.
Peace and blessings -x-
Randy, very interested in hearing more about this book
Welll… let me get it written
Randy, very interested in hearing more about this book
Welll… let me get it written
I was happier… until that sword fish flew into the roof of my house! I HATE it when that happens! I don’t know what is more annoying, them or the penguins and polar bears that keep taking over my swimming pool!
Or is it sharks that keep flying into the roof of my house? I can’t remember… they both taste great with lots of mayonnaise !
I had no idea you lived in Oxford England. I would have stopped by after taking that picture! The friend I was with told me that it was modeled after a Great White shark.
I was happier… until that sword fish flew into the roof of my house! I HATE it when that happens! I don’t know what is more annoying, them or the penguins and polar bears that keep taking over my swimming pool!
Or is it sharks that keep flying into the roof of my house? I can’t remember… they both taste great with lots of mayonnaise !
I had no idea you lived in Oxford England. I would have stopped by after taking that picture! The friend I was with told me that it was modeled after a Great White shark.
I appreciate your choices you’ve made. You seem to have a great freedom. It is beautiful to see : )
I appreciate your choices you’ve made. You seem to have a great freedom. It is beautiful to see : )
Thank you Catherine for the kind words.
I LOVE the UK!! Dave and I went there in the 90′s. It was the summer that was sooo hot!! It was 90F when we landed in London (1995 I think). It was crazy because hardly anyone there has air conditioning. We stayed at a B and B in Kensington near Hyde Park. Our room was on the top floor..it was pretty much like an oven.
It was a great vacation!! We went to south to Cornwall and also Brighton. We had a hard time driving on the left!!!!
Jim
Thank you Catherine for the kind words.
I LOVE the UK!! Dave and I went there in the 90′s. It was the summer that was sooo hot!! It was 90F when we landed in London (1995 I think). It was crazy because hardly anyone there has air conditioning. We stayed at a B and B in Kensington near Hyde Park. Our room was on the top floor..it was pretty much like an oven.
It was a great vacation!! We went to south to Cornwall and also Brighton. We had a hard time driving on the left!!!!
Jim
See, I thought the shark-through-the-roof bit would go this direction: “Yes I am happy and face loneliness occasionally, but you never know God may send the right woman along (surprise! never expected that) and we’ll be married and happiness will increase substantially.”
It’s refreshing you did not go there. Marriage is frequently presented as a panacea by people “trying to help” those of us moving away from same-sex attraction. This post has a more real perspective, and your view of future hope is truer – for that I thank you.
Money quote: “When I turn my focus outward to selflessly investing/serving others for their good … not my need … interestingly my needs get met.” Looking forward to the book!
See, I thought the shark-through-the-roof bit would go this direction: “Yes I am happy and face loneliness occasionally, but you never know God may send the right woman along (surprise! never expected that) and we’ll be married and happiness will increase substantially.”
It’s refreshing you did not go there. Marriage is frequently presented as a panacea by people “trying to help” those of us moving away from same-sex attraction. This post has a more real perspective, and your view of future hope is truer – for that I thank you.
Money quote: “When I turn my focus outward to selflessly investing/serving others for their good … not my need … interestingly my needs get met.” Looking forward to the book!
Definitely happier now
Not always, but more than I was before. I have more peace & more joy.
Definitely happier now
Not always, but more than I was before. I have more peace & more joy.
This is something I’m praying for freedom from. I never had a relationship, but I sought out affection from certain people, was rejected, and started entertaining the idea of going to gay clubs and flirting online, and visiting gay friendly churches, but I felt God speak to me and said He expected more from me than that. I need a breakthrough. I’m sensing healing coming, but I still feel tender and any comment like God isn’t concerned about my comfort almost scares me and pushes me back to wanting to mess with that, but not really I guess, I think this time God’s gonna help me.
@Jessica,
I could really connect with what you wrote, about sensing healing coming, but still feeling tender regarding comments that push you back to wanting to get your needs met the only way you know how to, at present. There is a tragedy in the church today of people with legitimate needs having to meet them in illegitimate ways, because there is such a dearth of true love. Unconditional. Flagrant. Expressive. Real. Casting Crowns has a song about “If We Are the Body of Christ, Why Aren’t His Hands Reaching”. Great song. Great band too.
I really feel for you, the place you are in is tenuous. Glad you wrote in on this. I will be praying for you to be more than an overcomer, and to walk in the paths God has chosen for you to walk, before the foundation of the world was even laid. He has good plans for you, to prosper you, give you hope and a future. Blessings, Kristen
This is something I’m praying for freedom from. I never had a relationship, but I sought out affection from certain people, was rejected, and started entertaining the idea of going to gay clubs and flirting online, and visiting gay friendly churches, but I felt God speak to me and said He expected more from me than that. I need a breakthrough. I’m sensing healing coming, but I still feel tender and any comment like \God isn’t concerned about my comfort\ almost scares me and pushes me back to wanting to mess with that, but not really I guess, I think this time God’s gonna help me.
@Jessica,
I could really connect with what you wrote, about sensing healing coming, but still feeling tender regarding comments that push you back to wanting to get your needs met the only way you know how to, at present. There is a tragedy in the church today of people with legitimate needs having to meet them in illegitimate ways, because there is such a dearth of true love. Unconditional. Flagrant. Expressive. Real. Casting Crowns has a song about “If We Are the Body of Christ, Why Aren’t His Hands Reaching”. Great song. Great band too.
I really feel for you, the place you are in is tenuous. Glad you wrote in on this. I will be praying for you to be more than an overcomer, and to walk in the paths God has chosen for you to walk, before the foundation of the world was even laid. He has good plans for you, to prosper you, give you hope and a future. Blessings, Kristen
Mr. Randy! Its nice to catch up with you, your insight is always full of healthy perspective and of course you know me I do have my seasons of feisty spirited debate, always fun to challenge and be challenged amongst friends and reasonable hearted acquaintances.
I just thought I would stop in and let you know just how blessed I am to hear your testimony, your so matured and beautiful within a coveted catch I would imagine. As I was grazing over the content of your Blog I had a couple thoughts come into mind. If we are human, we are all susceptible to loneness, even in marriage, I consider that to be the most tormenting kind. Loneliness for what ever reason/season is horrible, and those who have mastered the mental exercise of mental imagination restraint, while following that pattern through with renewal are graced to be a reflection of the likeness of whom ever is the originator of the attribute they yeild to. Many have their various points of perspective. For me that is Jesus Christ, I like to think of Him as my dove, AKA the image of the invisable God, no Im not Him however we do dance. As to the Dove, I happen to enjoy that label of chocolate to.
Mr. Randy! Its nice to catch up with you, your insight is always full of healthy perspective and of course you know me I do have my seasons of feisty spirited debate, always fun to challenge and be challenged amongst friends and reasonable hearted acquaintances.
I just thought I would stop in and let you know just how blessed I am to hear your testimony, your so matured and beautiful within a coveted catch I would imagine. As I was grazing over the content of your Blog I had a couple thoughts come into mind. If we are human, we are all susceptible to loneness, even in marriage, I consider that to be the most tormenting kind. Loneliness for what ever reason/season is horrible, and those who have mastered the mental exercise of mental imagination restraint, while following that pattern through with renewal are graced to be a reflection of the likeness of whom ever is the originator of the attribute they yeild to. Many have their various points of perspective. For me that is Jesus Christ, I like to think of Him as my dove, AKA the image of the invisable God, no Im not Him however we do dance. As to the Dove, I happen to enjoy that label of chocolate to.
Hi Wade .
Even though I am straight, I can feel understanding for your situation. Single straights have the same painful struggles with the loneliness ,need for love ,companionship and the fear of being old and alone. Even some married straights have the same fears in the rough times, but I know that knowing Jesus as Saviour and Lord is definitely worth going the distance so to speak. and being faithful to God’s way.We can experience Jesus ‘ocean of love here and now .He alone can fill the deepest longings of our hearts and souls.He can heal our hearts and transform our minds so we can give and receive healthy, unconditional love with Him ,our family and friends even now .
I have been in love, but have never been married and am not holding my breath for this.and yes , I struggle with loneliness , disappointed hope and sexual desires .but no longer feel that I got a bad or lesser shake. If we are in Christ, and remain in Him ,we will not “Miss Out “, on love. Even the most passionate , romantic and fulfilling relationship ,married or otherwise on this dying and corrupted planet is only a dim and puny shadow of Jesus and the Father’s love for us AND,that when all is made new in the kingom of God,our capacity to give and receive real love will be ,magnified beyond our imagining.because we will be like Him.I believe We will not be “limited” by by the need for sexual expression.but will be able to enter into all that makes for real love ,caring , friendship,intimacy, passionate commitment and joy, that will make anything here seem like nothing .oh..and to answer your question ,I have ups and downs too, but deep inside I do have joy that goes beyond happiness. Keep holding on my friend.
Paulette from Toronto.
Thank you so much for this. This perspective is incredibly valuable for my generation in our community- the community of Christ struggling with SSA or not. And thank you not only for sharing but for having a testimony to share. Your faithfulness to God, your long obedience, your patient endurance, long-suffering and hope will not disappoint you and as testimony does not disappoint me about my choices. Rather, it encourages deeply. And may this kind of life, so shared, encourage others (Revelation 12:11).