Eighteen Years and Counting

This is cross-posted on the ETC Blog.  Here is an audio file (embedded at the end of this post as well.)

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Today is the day that I remember the actual moment in which I turned away from my gay worldview and began my Christian post-gay journey.

This is *not* the day I became a Christian.  I was born again before I turned away from homosexuality.  The anniversary of accepting Christ as Lord and Savior is in the last week of May.  So yes, I considered myself a “gay Christian” for the whole two months between May and July of 1992.

During a prayer time 18 years ago the Lord (no one else in the room,) in the most gracious and life-giving way, explained to me that I was not the abomination mentioned in Leviticus 18:22.  What He detested was what kept me from a full revelation of Himself.  He saw every sexual thing I ever did. He saw every other sin I had ever done too.  He saw, and understood, why I loved men the way I did.  He mourned with me over a very significant relationship I had in my past where an ex had died of AIDS.  But instead of sending hellfire and brimstone, He sent a grieving Savior, full of love and understanding.  He sent Him to free me from the penalty of sin and point to Himself as a better way to Live.

I didn’t fully understand what it meant to be a Christian. I never expected my orientation to change (didn’t even really think about it being a true possibility during the first three years) but after that prayer time, regardless of my sexual orientation, I knew I would never identify as gay again.  My Christianity will never be qualified/contextualized by anything other than Christ.  Without any fear or pressure, without manipulation or condescension from others, I decided to pursue Christ at all cost and allow Him to show me the next right step down this path.

The first year sucked.  I wish I could say something nicer but that was the word I used over and over.  I grieved the loss of an identity.  I didn’t have to reject my gay friends … they did it for me (some came back around later.)  I still didn’t like Christians (carried over from when I did identify as gay) and I have to say those first couple of years were quite treacherous.  Moving from the gay community I had been a part of into the church was a pretty significant ordeal needing a lot of translation and care.

Just so you know, I love my Christian family now and have taken my place in the Church.  We’re cool

I know some have said they have had awful experiences in the “ex-gay ministry” world.  I have heard legitimate complaints/criticisms and where I can help to find some sort of positive change or reconciliation I do. Some of the criticism … I can’t quite figure out their true motivation. In the end the critics motivations are unknowable by anyone other than themselves and I must listen with a humbly open ear.  But I have to say, honestly, I never lived in an ex-gay world or experienced some of the horror stories being told.  In fact, the norm of what does exist out there is not anywhere near accurately described by those who sharply criticize those of us on a Christian post-gay journey.

When I leave the ministry or my job at Exodus at the end of the day, I just don’t think about being “ex-gay.”  I tried to wear the label “ex-gay” a few times and it felt like I was trying to put on a coat ten times too small.  I never wanted to be in an “ex-gay” world so I never identified as such.  I am not gay, ex-gay or a straight wannabee. I’m a Christian, man of God, brother in Christ … period.

Here are a few “nevers.”  I was never chased down and beaten over the head by a Bible wielding fundamentalist.  I have never chased down and beaten anyone else over the head to make them ask me my opinions on identity and homosexuality.  I’ve never been in reparative therapy (not knocking it, just didn’t utilize it for myself.)  I’ve never had to have demons exorcised out of me … no one has ever suggested I had too.  I’ve never been to “ex-gay” camp or been a part of some of the bizarre “counseling” techniques being employed out there.

Here are some “haves.” I have struggles and temptations.  I have had a sexual orientation shift.  I have had periods of time where I haven’t struggled at all and felt completely normal heterosexual desire.  I have had periods of time where I struggle strongly with same sex attractions. I have been cynical and said things I wish I hadn’t.  I have questioned my faith and my own version of “wrestling/reasoning with God.”

I have experienced the *powerful* and complementary witness of of my sisters in Christ.  My friendships with women have made me a better man.  I have had several significant dating relationships, one in particular, that showed the power of God’s love and intimacy, born in gender complementary relationship and witness, in a way that can’t be experienced in any other way.  I am a better man today as a result.

All of that without extramarital sex

I have also known transcendant joy in many areas of life.  I know God intimately and yearn to know Him more.  I have experienced His presence through trials and celebration.  I have kept Christ my only goal so not matter what my feelings or desires are, I am complete in Him.  Whether I ever marry or not… I am complete in Him.  In truth, it is only by His love that I am empowered to follow Him.

God’s awesome like that.

He has been faithful to build me up, cleanse those areas that need to be cleansed, heal the wounds, share His joy and lead me forward.  Jesus does so with the understanding that He will continue to build up, cleanse, heal, enjoy and lead me forward.

And what Christian can’t say the same thing?  Seriously, no matter what our “moments” in life of turning away from our understanding to His leading … we all share the same testimony at the end of the day … “for Christ alone is worthy of our praise.”

I will continue on my journey following Christ.  I am so grateful for the love of friends I have and am making along the way. Sometimes it isn’t easy (sometimes it is) but regardless of circumstance, He is worth it.

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