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Is Homosexuality Simply a Choice? by Angela Buchanan
Yes. At least I thought so. To be honest, I had a hard time feeling compassion for someone who chose to engage in behavior that I couldn’t comprehend and frankly didn’t want to understand. Our lack of grace often comes from a place of ignorance – that was the case in my situation. Before I met Jeff, I didn’t know the complexity behind those who dealt with same-sex attractions. When I first heard him say, “I didn’t choose to feel this way,” it messed with everything I had believed up to that point. When he explained, during a seminar at our home church, the difference between homosexual orientation, behavior and identity it certainly provided a lot of answers for questions I had never previously bothered to ask. That informative time completely changed my heart and attitude towards those who struggle with same-sex attractions and honestly with those who don’t struggle but currently embrace a gay identity. Since it radically changed my perception, I thought I would share an overview of the insights that were shared that day.
Virtually no one chooses a homosexual orientation, meaning no one chooses to feel attracted to the same sex. While there is certainly no “formula” to explain how the complex and personal issue of same-sex attraction develops, frequently an individual experiences a real or perceived lack of connection or rejection from the same-sex. Others may be exposed to pornography or experience some degree of sexual abuse, which confuses or distorts their sexual identity. Regardless of the specific reason, most begin to identify and operate more comfortably in the world of the opposite sex. They feel safer and more accepted there. But under the surface is a huge void that yearns to be filled – a legitimate need for same-sex bonding. At this point, they may already be labeled or identified by others as gay.
At the onset of puberty, their strong desire for same-sex bonding and acceptance becomes sexualized. As you can imagine this is a very confusing time – filled with shame and internal conflict. Their desire for the same-sex feels innate and very real. As you can probably imagine, telling this person that he or she simply needs to stop feeling this way and choose to think and feel differently is not helpful. The torment they feel often compels them to believe their only option is to embrace a homosexual identity and engage in homosexual behavior.
This is when “choice” comes into play. Men and women DO choose how they will act on the same-sex attractions they are experiencing. Choices are made to take on a homosexuality identity and to engage in homosexual behavior. But, understand without an authentic relationship with Christ and the subsequent understanding and healing of the wounds that contributed to their same-sex struggle, these choices can seem natural.
About Angela Buchanan
I disagree with your comment (Regardless of the specific reason, most begin to identify and operate more comfortably in the world of the opposite sex. They feel safer and more accepted there. But under the surface is a huge void that yearns to be filled – a legitimate need for same-sex bonding.). I felt and still feel more safer with my same sex. It was the opposite sex I was afraid of because of abuse mostly by my father.
I think Bob Stith hit the nail on the head when he said even though we always make a choice when it comes to sinning we do not get to choose our temptations. And when we use the word choice in this discussion it’s important we realize that the choice is not like picking a flavor of ice cream but rather it is a culmination of a person’s personality, family history, education both formal and infomal, and life experiences that lead a person to come to believe what their sexual orientation is and then they must choose to accept that or not. But we may discover as some believe today that it is a combination of nature and nurture which means a person is born with a bent or predisposition to a certain sexual orientation that must be acted on before a person comes to recognize their sexual orientation.
While this article states some very simple truths, those truths need much more attention and time for anyone who is touched by homosexuality. A parent who broadly washes over the concerns and angst of a child is doing a disservice to that child. A friend who thinks it is as simple as “bonding” with the same sex is over looking many aspects of that person’s sexuality. I hope aned pray that more people take a look at those in their church who struggle with same sex attraction and those who consider themselves gay but do not struggle with that aspect of their being. I see people changing lives everyday just because they have been listened to and understood.
“Filled with shame and internal conflict”??? I guess it depends on the person’s environment. I never felt any of that at all. I had to love every part of myself, and the Bible is very clear that a person can make a choice over how they feel. I got all that sorted by the age of 14. Having great teaching from Christian holiday camps on it being OK to be gay/have SSA, but to abstain from gay relationships and sex, and that there is no such thing as a 2nd class Christian, that one’s sexual orientation makes no issue with Jesus. Maybe if more young Christians had access to teaching that nothing is an issue to God, and that living the Christian life can be an incredibly exciting thing, and not osmething that limits one’s life, maybe more people would stick with the faith, instead of feeling they have a ‘burden’ or a ‘struggle’. One of my friends has just got a partner, turning his back on his faith to whatever degree, and I’ve had several women flirting with me over the past 18 months; one is constantly putting her marriage at risk.
“At the onset of puberty, their strong desire for same-sex bonding and acceptance becomes sexualized.” – can you explain how this happens? What is going on inside, neurologically, that can make sexual desire, which is so much about a rush of hormones beyond our control, become switched 180degrees to the same sex? I don’t believe our experiences can significantly affect the hypothalmus or other mid-brain structures invovled in sexual desire. This whole idea of lack of connection underlying SSA seems weak. Or it seems so random – I mean lots of people (men) don’t get on well or are not close to their father or brothers. Shouldn’t there be more gay people in that case?
Hi Paul, I’m coming back to this a few weeks late, so I hope you get this…
I think a lot of people understand that pain is expressed in people in so many ways, some of which may not be obvious expressions of pain, or the individual may not acknowledge their behaviour or thoughts are an expression of pain. I’ve never been tempted to take up smoking, getting drunk, taking drugs, but I’ve had huge temptations to have sex with women. Not relationships, sex.
In 2001, I’d had a blew with a guy from my church. His best friend is celibate gay Christian, so the guy has no issue with gay people. However, I think his attitude needs looking at. His friend came to our church, and he was terrified, cos he saw that I was gay, I saw he was gay, and he was terrified that I would tell everyone else he was gay.
So yes, I woke 04:00, so decided to pray about the argument. At 06:00, God told me, “You are gay because of the bullying.”
From the ages of 7-13, I was bullied at my first church, and at school 8-11. I grew up hating girls/women, seeing them as bitchy, backstabbing, untrustworthy and unintelligent, and then as tarts and sexually stupid, because that’s what girls and women around me were. I have no access to females under the age of 45 who were not of the above description. Hence I am also transgender. I am comfortable most of the time appearing as a woman, but I do not want to be treated like other women are, and I don’t want anything to do with women, or join women’s discussion groups at celibate gay Christian conferences.
Due to not seeing women as people, but as objects, due to women’s behaviour, and due to finding porn at the age of 13, I do not fall in love with women, I just want to use them. I do have feelings for women to some extent, but it’s not love. It could be admiration, if they are an outstanding person, but I don’t admire many women. They have to be extremely able people, and with nice personalities, and they have to be a lot of fun. I’m not the clingy, emotional kind of gay woman at all.
I am gay because I was going through puberty when I was emotionally separated from girls. I don’t know how it works biologically, but I describe the brain as being a post room. Post comes in, and the workers put the post in the right boxes. Family, religion, sport boxes. Then I start getting post called Sexual Thoughts. There’s no box for that in the post room. But there’s a box with literally nothing in called Friendship. Friendship is about relating, Sexual Thoughts are about relating, and the workers think, “They’re similar in some ways, let’s just shove Sexual Thoughts into Friendship”. You know how careless workers don’t care if things are accurate or not!
It also has to be said that sexual orientation is a very difficult thing to pin down, and I’ve known people who have changed orientation in middle age, due to major events in their lives that causes a big emotional upheaval, both men and women.
I was a sensitive child, so I saw the negatives in females in a more extreme way than other people who grew up in the same environment as me. My sister went to the same church and school as me and is not gay or trans. However, my sister had a cocaine addiction at the age of 12, and had bulimia at the age of 13, and recently has had anorexia. She has also been violent throughout her life, and only hangs onto friends for what they are worth to her.
We both have issues that we both trace back to being bullied in childhood. It’s just I deal with it all, and deal with it all with God.
I hope that makes some things clearer? I don’t know how to answer your question fully, but I can give my personal experience. God bless you -x-
Bob, I looked at youtube com,ing out stories and a lot of those people are talking about ‘being gay’ but have never done anyting about it. What do you mean by acting on it is needed before a person recognises their orienation?
I found this interesting and enlightening:
http://www.christiananswers.net/q-cross/cross-gaychange.html